**Sorry this is such a long entry of a conversation, but i just thought I'd post it.**

Becca hearts U: hello
erinlJONES: hi
Becca hearts U: hows it going?
erinlJONES: pretty good you?
Becca hearts U: sick, headache etc. lots of fun
Becca hearts U: look, i'll be blunt. i'm not sure what happened last time we talked but i don't like us not talking and i don't like us being whatever we are towards each other.
erinlJONES: ahh.... so this is miss Rebecca Williams
Becca hearts U: yes *smiles* sorry, i forgot that you haven't seen this sn before
erinlJONES: honestly i'll be blunt too, i haven't thought much of any of it since we last talked
Becca hearts U: regardless, i would like to get this figured otu
Becca hearts U: out
erinlJONES: what figured out
Becca hearts U: i was randomly clicking around on my favorites list and i decided to see if you still had your site going, the last time i checked it still had that really angry message about never writing again. i read the convo and some other stuff and i just wanted to talk to you again.
Becca hearts U: if anything just to figure out what went on that night, why you said the things that you did. i'm not sure what motivated you and if you still feel the same way
erinlJONES: that message, was like in wow, i don't remember when
erinlJONES: last fall atleast
erinlJONES: i said the things that said because they were the truth
erinlJONES: and yes i still feel the same way
Becca hearts U: why?
erinlJONES: oh and by the way, my site is still running, and i've written ALOT since you last read it
Becca hearts U: Erin, know that I am sorry, honestly and truly sorry and ashamed for what I did when we dated. I was wrong and I was horrible. However, that is not completely who I am. That one experience does not define me and it shouldn't define our relationship
erinlJONES: it was just then and no i don't believe that you are really truly sorry
erinlJONES: it wasn't just then i mean
Becca hearts U: and why do you say that?
Becca hearts U: explain if you don't mind
erinlJONES: why should i explain when you won't listen
Becca hearts U: isn't that what i'm doing now?
Becca hearts U: i imed you so we could talk this out
Becca hearts U: i could have left it well alone if i didn't want to deal with it
erinlJONES: you only deal with it, when the time is right for you, its about you, don't you see, everything is always about you, no matter what you do, its about you
Becca hearts U: i'm listening
erinlJONES: lol no you're not, you've never really listened to me, not when i have to say something about you, that you don't want to hear, you don't want to hear the truth
Becca hearts U: i'm still listening
Becca hearts U: give me a try ok, you said all of that stuff about not giving up on people, prove it and give me a try
erinlJONES: so tell me, is it "trying to make up with everyone" day, today?
Becca hearts U: no, this is "reading erins blogger and realizing that if i don't change something that i'm doing that i'll always be doing something wrong day" i do realize that you two have been talking and thats great, i hope you guys are enjoying each other. the convo that i saw before yours and mine on your blogger had her sn in it. i decided i needed to change something in order to make our relationship better, meaning hers and mine as well as yours and mine. if you're going to criticize me for making an effort, go ahead, but i know i am not in fault for trying to correct mistakes.
erinlJONES: alright, you hurt people maliciously, you don't really care about their feelings, you care about your self, when your daying someone you concentrate on their flaws and not your own, you use them for whatever temporary happiness it give you, and when it doesn't please you anymore, you blame it on the other person (because of their flaws), and its basically the same with friendships, the other person can make all the time in the world for you, but you can't seem to find anytime for them, except when its conveient to you (or when you have nothing better to do)
Becca hearts U: ok
erinlJONES: but you have to be truly, whole-heartedly, with all of your might into making an effort
Becca hearts U: i'm here aren't i?
erinlJONES: yeah, for now, but will you be here tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day after that, next week, next month, next year?
Becca hearts U: a most inconvienent time for my computer to disconnect me, i apologize
Becca hearts U: did you say anything after my last entry?
erinlJONES:
Becca hearts U: i'm here aren't i?
erinlJONES: after that?
Becca hearts U: Becca hearts U: i can't promise anything. i can't say that i will always absolutely be here. i can't say that for anyone at any time, no one truly can. circumstances happen. i will say that i will make more of an effort. i will say that if you e-mail me, i will e-mail you back, that if you call me, i will call you back. i will say that i will try harder
erinlJONES: i didn't even get that message
Becca hearts U: ok, well, you've got it
erinlJONES: hmmm... sounds familiar, haven't you said that before? Ahhh.... yes, you have. and re-read what you wrote, if I (as in me, Erin) emails you, you will write me back, if I (as in me, Erin) calls you, you will call me back
Becca hearts U: if you're simply going to critize me for trying, i can't do anything else
Becca hearts U: criticize
erinlJONES: didn't say i was critizicing you, thats not criticism, thats the truth, the honest truth, me showing you a flaw, hoping that you won't deny it, again
Becca hearts U: is that everything you have to say?
erinlJONES: what do you want me to say
Becca hearts U: i'm telling you that i'm still listening and i want to know if you're finished
erinlJONES: sure yeah, i'm finished
Becca hearts U: do you mind if i have my turn?
erinlJONES: lol, what to tell me my faults?
Becca hearts U: to have my turn
erinlJONES: turn at what?
Becca hearts U: you say that as if you have none, we all do, we are human, but that is besides the point
Becca hearts U: my turn to speak
Becca hearts U: i have listened, will you please do the same?
erinlJONES: lol thats the difference between you and I, and its time that you realize it, I know my faults and i accept them, but yeah i will listen
Becca hearts U: if not, then i guess we're through with that
Becca hearts U: i feel right now that you are acting and saying some things out of anger, not all of the things that you're saying, not even most. i do feel as if you are taking stabs at me at times just to hurt me.
Becca hearts U: in my defense, you do not have a complete picture of me. I'm not saying that you're wrong
Becca hearts U: please remember that you're listening. i gave you your turn and i will give it to you again if you will let me finish
Becca hearts U: in my defense, you do not have a complete picture of me. I'm not saying that you're wrong and i am not denying anything that you have said thus far. i am simply saying that you are part of a very isolated part of my life. in fact, you are the only person located in that area. i have no other friends from kenny's team, ignoring lily because she and i play together at school. i know no one from grandbury or glen rose and i have no other connection to you except we played together, maintained a akward friendship, dated for two weeks and then went back to an even more akward friendship. there are no other ties to keep us together thus making conversation hard. you must realize this, we've been talking for years and now the only thing we can really talk about is soccer and girls, two things that have been worn out by time, misuse and misunderstanding.
Becca hearts U: regardless of what you feel about me, i can tell you i am not a heartless bastard. i spend the majority of my time doing things for other people, making an effort for them. a half of what i spend my time doing are service projects, the other half being comprised of a combination of soccer, band and school. surely half of my life should belong to me. once again, the fact that you are not involved in anything that i am, that you are not at my school, that you do not have some physical connection to me makes it hard for me to find a connection and find what to maintain it with. how are we supposed to continue being close if we have nothing in common except that we know each other? i'm not saying that i'm not willing to be closer, that i'm not willing to make more of an effort, but think about that, please.
Becca hearts U: and its not that i haven't made any effort at all. i know that we were supposed to hang out that weekend but analise called me the night before begging for a place to stay. she had no where else to go. i invited you along and you would have been more than welcome to come. it probably would have been a lot of fun
Becca hearts U: i also feel as if you have incredible expectations of me. i am not a super human, i am not some kind of genius, capable of being everything you need in a friend. like i said earlier, everyone is human. you act as if i am supposed to magically make everything better. i can't. i can't even pretend to. i am human and i won't pretend to accept that responsibility
Becca hearts U: i feel as if you push everything on me, taking no responsibility yourself. many times i feel as if you would rather not talk to me at all. when we talk online you seem to avoid me, saying abstract things.
Becca hearts U: abstract in the idea of vagueness
Becca hearts U: you avoid the questions. it almost seems as if you avoid the conversation.
Becca hearts U: its frusterating
Becca hearts U: i think i'm done
Becca hearts U: feel free to let loose
erinlJONES: nah... i've never said anything to you out of anger, i don't ever do anything out of anger. I'm calm in the way i deal with things. those things, even though they maybe few, i'd been wanting to say for awhile. And that was all, i didn't need a recap of "why things are the way they are with our friendship" i've been there done that, dealt with it, got over it. I don't care anymore. Yeah you've hurt me, hurt others, used others. I got over it. But yeah, we had plans that weekend, Analise needed somewhere to stay, you invited me, but i don't like it when plans change. That weekend, that day was supposed to be for us, our time to share, our time to talk, our time to be friends, its hard to do that with 5 other people. yeah it may seem selfish, but i didn't really care. You say i don't really know you, but you're wrong, all of those things i already knew. So do you really know me, you know i have a life as well, but yet, i still managed to come to a few of your games, make it to a few football games just to talk to you for a few minutes during halftime, and if i was lucky i'd get to talk to you after the game.
erinlJONES: i did stupid little pointless things, just cause i thought it might make your day even better than it was. I do this for alot of people. not just you. granted these things have been spread out over time and all that, but still, its the thought that counts right. I don't have expectations of you in the sense that i compare you to someone else, i however realize your potential, help pointing out a few flaws here and there, i don't think is wrong, i know you are human. i know you can't be everything for me, just like i can't be everything for you. But you know what statement kind of is ironic, this one: Becca hearts U: i feel as if you push everything on me, taking no responsibility yourself......... This is also about yourself. Don't you see, we play the blame game, thats what we do. the last time i talked to you, i was tired of it, i tried to get you to realize that we were playing the game, but you took it offensively. rather than constructively. me pointing out to you, that you tend to end things based on someone elses flaws, you give up after awhile, and move on to something else (the knight in shining armor thing). But you didn't like me saying that. Thats been your flaw the entire time. Me i'm full of flaws, but i've realized them, worked on them, tried, still trying. But it hasn't seemed that you've made an effort. But yeah...
erinlJONES: i was tired of playing the blame game, thats why i didn't try and talk to you after that conversation, i was through trying with you. I don't understand what you mean by i try to push everything on you. i take that in the sense, of me telling you the flaws. You're right i would avoid you, i used to, i didn't really want to talk to you, either cause i knew in some way i knew you point out some flaw of mine, or bring up some topic i didn't want to talk about, or well i had nothing to say. And the biggest [et peeve of mine, is when people tell me something i've done wrong, when i already know what i did, it drives me crazy, so yeah i avoid it, cause i know i'll eventually snap at the person, very rarely in anger, (usually is face to face when that happens, and it usually always my coach or my dad). ahhh... yes, and avoidance of questions, yeah i did do that alot, i used to not think i was smart enough for you, i could never quite find the "right" answer for you, i wanted to always have the right answer with you. Later did i realize, who really gives a shit, i mean really. I'm not out to impress anyone anymore, i could care less.
erinlJONES: hmmm... anything else.... nope, i'm good for the moment
erinlJONES: lol go ahead, finish typing what you've been wanting to type this whole time
Becca hearts U: erin, you have to accept me for me or get over it and give up. when have i had a bi week for soccer? never because your district has less teams then mine, thus why you get the bi week in the first place. when have i been free on a friday night to go see a football game of yours? never, i perform at football games. i can't control the circumstance of analise. there was nothing i could do about that and i'm sorry. i didn't say that we couldn't try another weekend. i didn't say that we couldn't try and hang out again. next paragraph- if you look back where you took that quote from, you will see that i said that i wasn't trying to take blame away from myself, that i wasn't disagreeing with anything that you've said. also, the best way to tell someone that they have faults is not to do so out of the blue, randomly calling them an asshole. not only an asshole but a complete asshole, stating that there is nothing else to the person. if someone had said that to you, you would have been offended, despite what you say. i dealt with it the best i knew how at that moment. i was taken aside with a blow that i wasn't expecting. once again, it is human. i had no idea it was coming and honestly, you should be glad that i reacted as well as i did. i was overflowing with self restraint. next paragraph- how could i tell you what you did wrong if i had no idea of what happened in your life? if i have no connection to you but the fact that we know each other? its not possible. honestly, do you want to know why i broke up with you? i broke up with you because it wasn't a relationship based on equality, it wasn't us, it was me. we couldn't talk on the phone, we couldn't talk online, we couldn't talk in person. we digressed directly into making out, which on a side note that doesn't matter at all, you were wonderful at, regardless, it wasn't a relationship. it wasn't anything that could have been built upon. making out and small talk don't amount to anything in the long run
Becca hearts U: when i said that it doesn't matter at all, i meant in this context, honestly, you were wonderful
erinlJONES: lol you left a part out on the reason you broke up with me, Donovan. and back at that time i was afraid to be less than perfect around you, which i froze up all the time, and digressed into making out, which ultimately made me quite close to a zero if not a zero. but honestly, if someone told me i was an asshole, i would probably ask why, and laugh about it, and probably agree with them
erinlJONES: and by the way, if you would have reacted to what i said in our last conversastion, i believe it would have been more passionate and real than anything else, thoughts coming straight from the moment, are more pure than anything in the world, just honest thoughts. When you think about what you want to say, you analyze it, often too much, and you tiptoe around what you really mean, trying to not make the other person mad, or whatever. i say you as in context of i believe everyone does that
erinlJONES: sooooo....
erinlJONES: anything else?
Becca hearts U: i disagree with the last statement but i don't think it matters that much
erinlJONES: what exactly do you disagree with it about?
erinlJONES: well with me thats how i see it, i much rather would have had to say what you were thinking right there
erinlJONES: alot of people can't handle those types of thoughts, they can't handle the passion that comes from the person. but i can
erinlJONES: *random thought* Hey Rebecca, this is the 2nd real conversation we've ever had
erinlJONES: lol
Becca hearts U: i don't think that its best when i speak without thinking in judgement. everything is perception and often when one takes a step back and looks at the over all perception instead of their own they can realize what they've been doing. if i had responded directly to what you said that day i would have done so in anger, which is not something that i should do because i tend to be spiteful and i tend to have a sharp tongue to say the least
Becca hearts U: it would have ended in me onling being hateful which was not the point
Becca hearts U: and yes, donovan was a factor but would have been less so if we had a relationship based on equality
erinlJONES: but also like i said, i've changed alot since then, i'm no longer afraid of not being perfect
erinlJONES: lol i don't freeze up anymore
Becca hearts U: i realize that, i was just informing yout
erinlJONES: lol i'm not an icecube
erinlJONES: lol
Becca hearts U: you
erinlJONES: lo
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: sorry, goofy moment there
Becca hearts U: got ya
Becca hearts U: no worries
erinlJONES: i know i know
Becca hearts U: look, i have to go, i'm really sick and i have been the last few days. i should have been in bed at eight....... anyway, this has been constructive and this was exactly what i was looking for. thanks
erinlJONES: sucks that you're sick, awesome that this was what you were looking for, lol guess you found it huh
Becca hearts U: yes
erinlJONES: but alrighty, feel better
Becca hearts U: i'll talk to you later ok?
erinlJONES: alrighty
Becca hearts U: thanks
erinlJONES: anytime
erinlJONES: goodnight
Becca hearts U: *waves*
erinlJONES: *waves back*
erinlJONES: laters