This one is for you
Current mood: impressed
Category: Life
This one is for you my LOVE:
I've been through the hurt, the pain and all the heartache. I've made it through the tears, the anger and all the bitterness. Never holding things against you, never hating you. People still don't understand how I can do that. Though I may not say it, my heart tells me its because I love you despite all that happened. Despite all the horrible things you did to me and put me through. Everyone can tell me how I had a choice, I could have left. No my love you know best of all I couldn't. I was in love with you, you were my heart and soul, you were my world. By all means I was addicted to you. I'm ok with no one ever understanding our love.
I've become content with my life and what I'm having to go through because of the choices I made with you. People can tell me how stupid I was and I won't disagree. I have a shitload on my plate because of you, for awhile I hoped you could some how find it in your heart to truely be a good person, the one I knew actually existed, I left a little bit of hope that you would take the responsibility and take care of the debt that you were equally part of. The last email I received from you was the last that I could stand. Love is patient but where do you draw the line? Something I learned at Millwood.
This week I officially realized how much you fucked me over and how much you played me. How you managed some of it I have no clue. My best friend of the time was the only witness, but over time you won her over, and shes hated me since (despite reasons she may have of after the fact). She was there while we signed all of the paperwork, all of it. Over a year later i'm offcially finding out that your name is no where on that paperwork, not even a little bit. There are little traces of you, like your phone number, which you conviently made some of the numbers wrong. Just like how on when we still got some paperwork with your name on it, how your name was spelt wrong. How the people that helped us there, no longer work there. Funny how you still claim it was your car all along. *********Just another side note, just found out that all the information on the paperwork is false, all the job info etc. No sorry I hadn't worked for walgreens for 3 years as a manager, I definitely wasn't making $2,500 a month, etc. etc. This is such fucking bullshit.
The one thing I can not stand about all of this, is how you destroyed me as a human being. You brought out this horrible side of me, the scary side and no matter how hard I try I cant put it back away. I am continuously being pushed to the limit because of you and I would love nothing more than to knock the shit out of you, my temper flares. But I would never directly hit you like, I never did. Claim what you will, and it will be that a claim, I'll defend myself and tell the truth.
It still amazes me that through all of this I still dont hate you. I can admit the truth of who I was and why I acted the way I did. I take refuge in knowing that I was not alone in it, knowing that I wasn't the only one you took advantage of.
I am so glad that I went to Millwood, I found my strength then. I gave you one last chance and you fucked it up the day I got out. I started to distance myself more and more from you then, letting go, getting my heart to let go. Finally when I couldn't take it anymore, I am so thankful for those who helped me. I found strength in them, they knew I couldn't do it without them. My mom and my brother Brian, and most of all Cathy.
So heres to you, here to you continuing to burning bridges, hurting the ones who love you, hurting those you love, hurting the strangers that cross your path.
Cause for you my love, karma will be coming back around one day.
COMMENTS:
COLEMAN: Damn girl. If it makes you feel any better I give you permission to slap the shit out of me cause I know I havent been the perfect person to you and haven't completely treated you the way you deserve. You have come along way in the past year. I wish you luck as you continue to grow stronger. Until next time take it easy. Im out for naptime.
-sarah
"The world in general doesn't know what to make of originality; it is startled out of its comfortable habits of thought, and its first reaction is one of anger." --W. Somerset Maugham
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Awakening
"The Awakening"
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
You realize its time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also lean that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for you life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody's punishing you and that everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility, You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
-Author Unknown-
"The above is the complete text of the message I received. I believe in life that there are certain things, places, people, and moments that are meant to have a great impact on our life, that are meant to make us stop and think, and that are meant to touch our lives in ways we never knew. This message was one of those things for me and I only hope that it will have the impact on you that it did on me.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. It's always slightly disheartening when the word "horrible" and "friend" are in the same sentence. I understand how deceitful people can appear at times in the things they say and do; I've been down that road a time or two. When faced with a dilemma such as yours, I came across some advice that has helped me past it...
Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense
of those who think they talk sense.
-Robert Frost-
I know how easily anger can overcome you when betrayed by a friend, but just take a moment and remember why this person is a friend; and know that by forgiving them you are forgiving yourself because forgiveness not only builds friendships, but character as well.
And with that I will close this by saying;
Be happy for this moment....this moment is your life.
Take care."
-------
So this is something an old friend had sent me years back, my Anonymous Samaritan. I didn't fully had everything he wrote in his email cause that part was irrelvant to anyone else but me. But the story he sent stands true, and I still hold dear to my heart. Its came to my mind alot the last couple of days. So I hope that ya'll can get something out of it, just as I did.
"The Awakening"
A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out...ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
You realize its time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you - and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also lean that no one can do it all alone, and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for you life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people...and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody's punishing you and that everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility, You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
-Author Unknown-
"The above is the complete text of the message I received. I believe in life that there are certain things, places, people, and moments that are meant to have a great impact on our life, that are meant to make us stop and think, and that are meant to touch our lives in ways we never knew. This message was one of those things for me and I only hope that it will have the impact on you that it did on me.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. It's always slightly disheartening when the word "horrible" and "friend" are in the same sentence. I understand how deceitful people can appear at times in the things they say and do; I've been down that road a time or two. When faced with a dilemma such as yours, I came across some advice that has helped me past it...
Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense
of those who think they talk sense.
-Robert Frost-
I know how easily anger can overcome you when betrayed by a friend, but just take a moment and remember why this person is a friend; and know that by forgiving them you are forgiving yourself because forgiveness not only builds friendships, but character as well.
And with that I will close this by saying;
Be happy for this moment....this moment is your life.
Take care."
-------
So this is something an old friend had sent me years back, my Anonymous Samaritan. I didn't fully had everything he wrote in his email cause that part was irrelvant to anyone else but me. But the story he sent stands true, and I still hold dear to my heart. Its came to my mind alot the last couple of days. So I hope that ya'll can get something out of it, just as I did.
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