**Feeling a bit Nervous**

So yeah I'm feeling a bit nervous about tomorrow, first day of senior year. But really i'm more scared than anything. I'm not sure why I am, cause there is no real reason to be. Its just I keep finding myself saying wow. Cause seriously it feels like it was just yesterday I was hanging out with everyone at school. The time is going by too fast. Seriously I feel like I've had no summer at all, I did so much over the summer though, like I have all of the memories but thinking about it now, seems as if nothing else has happened in all that time. I remember when I was younger, during the summer if I was at the pool or at home watching tv, the day would just drag on and on, and it seemed like it would never end. Now I have those thoughts but the next thing I know the day is over. This scares me, I have so much to do this year, and time is going by so fast (and yes I know its psychological), I'm afraid I'm not going to get it all done. I have to apply for college, write letters to the soccer coaches at these colleges, play soccer, make the best grades I can this year, have a life, be focused on club and high school soccer, and once again have a life. I'm actually scared, I know I'm ready to go out into the world, but I don't want to leave this life behind, I don't want to not be able to see my friends all the time. Its like as soon as I'm finally satisfied with my life, its like I'm fixing to start a whole new one all over again. My college life. Then after college theres the real world. I'm sorry but this all really scares me, seriously theres tears forming in my eyes as I write this. Cause I look at my mom, shes 48 now. I think of how many years its been since she was 17, will I live to be 48, how will I make it that far, it seems so far away, hell actually it doesn't really, it feels like it will be tomorrow. I want to live my life to the fullest, but I'm scared I won't be able to do it. I don't know what posses me to have the feelings, but it just simply that, I just do have these feelings. I feel lost and confused again. I have to stay focused. Please just stay focused

Also well just in general I'm nervous about school starting. Once again I'll be starting school as a single girl, but hey I actually have real friends this year so thats a plus. I when shopping friday I'd like to thing I got some cute clothes. I like it when people give me compliments, like if I've done a good job on something, if I played good, or if I look good. I want to look cute, and now you've got to understand, I've never worn girly clothes my whole life until this year, or well I've never actually bought cute clothes, the only thing cute I've owned is one dress skirt that I'd wear to banquets and stuff. I don't feel obligated to try to impress anyone, meaning as in trying to catch "someone's eye, " but the fact is, I want to, I want to date someone, either a guy or a girl. And to be honest I want to date a guy, I haven't dated a guy my entire time in highschool, I've liked several guys yes, but no opportunities. I want a guy to be attracted to me, I want to be able to bring a guy home to meet my mom, and be able to hang out with, without worrying about my mom finding out. I'm not afraid of my mom knowing I'm bi, but its just the simple fact its more complicated when it comes to family stuff, I don't like lying to my mom about who I date, who knows perhaps if I find the right girl I will introduce her to my mom (as my girlfriend). My mom is not stupid by the way, I know she knows that I've dated a few girls this year. But yeah back to what I was saying. I want to feel attractive, well I think I am, but I want to be able to know that someone else thinks that I'm attractive, or well cute (which can come from anyone really). I know I can live without, but still we all know that is makes us feel a little bit more special when someone thinks your cute. But yeah I want to date someone or go on a few dates this year, I mean real ones. Not jumping into a realtionship and not knowing why and doing it to just be a risk (Miranda), or not getting into a realationship that is messed up in the first place (Shanina, her having a boyfriend at the same time we were discussing getting together, which they broke up before we actually got together, but still you get what I mean), or not getting into a long distance relationship when you know the other person wants several other people than just you (Rebecca). Yeah real dates, as in go out to eat or go to a movie, not just making out or whatever. I want to simply just be able to talk, be close to each other, hold each other tight, or hold hands. The simple stuff, basically something I could do in front of my mom.

So back to what I was saying about being nervous, I'm not really nevous about my classes, the only real class I'm taking is English Dual. My other classes are primarily business classes, which I guess that makes me a bit nervous simply because, I know I have to do good in them, cause well thats what I'm going to major in, international business. But I'm mean hell, if I change my major then I'm screwed, cause I'm not taking alot of classes that I'd probably need for another major (any major). And well I guess I am nervous about my classes, I can't screw around this year, I have to really concentrate and do good in my classes and do my best in them. Meaning NO SLEEPING. And for those of you who I go to school with, meaning yes you Amanda, DO NOT LET ME SLACK OFF, BEAT MY ASS IF YOU HAVE TO. This is really important to me. I have to make good grades to help out my GPA so that I can get into some better colleges. Plus to play soccer, the coaches look at your grades, probably more than your athletic skill. I'm nervous about that too, about getting to play soccer in college, although I've had several people (who know what they're talking about) tell me that I can make it. But I always have my doubts, or well I just realize all of the possibilites that could happen. I am the realist, or also known or seen to other people as a pessimist. All though I don't really see everything negatively, that just what they see more than what I say of the positive. We all know the postives we just choose to not think of any other thing possible, because we don't like to think of any other possibility than what we want. But really I think to make yourself work harder you have to fully acknowledge what could happen if you screw around or don't make the best of things.

Speaking of work, I have to find an after school and weekend job in Granbury, this is a necessity. As of now, my job at Oakdale is over (they techincally don't close till labor day, but they're not open during the week anymore, because of school), and I work weekends only at DVSP. Which I've been thinking about I need a job after school since I get out early and all, but to get a job somewhere they are most likely going to want me to work on weekends, so that means I'll have to stop working at DVSP. But also I've got to consider the fact that with club soccer I won't be able to work on weekends, but then again I've been thinking, last season the diamonds played some games during the week. But even so theres only 10 games I think, and so most likely I'll only have one game a weekend, which isn't that bad. But still yeah I've got to finish up at DVSP (and I still have to discuss this with my boss). All of this is a bit stressful, nothing to be nervous about. But I have to have a job, I have to have the money, to pay for gas and my food and everything else that I do. Which is what I've been doing all summer, it helps my mom out alot, thats actually the real reason I need a job, just to help my mom out, but I really need to start saving my money, for college. But yeah I need to start looking, ASAP, wonder if I could find someone to help me look.

Ok I am nervous about meeting our knew coach. I think he will be different than Kear. Which I love Kear, but this new guys methods will be different and a hell of alot harder (more physically demanding), but I kind of like that idea though. It excites me. But still I have the fear. Kear tells me I shouldn't worry, that there isn't anyone who is able to replace me on the team. Which I know thats true, and not trying to be conceited. I'm nervous about not getting as much playing time. Thats all that concerns me, I live to play, its my dream, my passion. I would hate for anything to hinder that. I think it will all work out though, it might take a bit for everyone to get used to him, not so much me, but everyone else (everyone else was with Kear a much longer time than me). Lol hes a coach from an Alabama Baptist university, i'm determined that he won't care much for some people on our team, know what I'm saying (lol the gay people that is, and well everyone else who cusses). Meh... he'll just have to get used to us as well I suppose. He'll learn to love us, hes an older man, so he won't be working out with us like Kear did. That kind of makes me sad. But yeah who knows what will happen, we'll just have to wait and see I suppose.

So yeah I have to make the time slow down, I have to pace myself, stay focused, calm and content. Not that hard, but it could be if I let it.

I'm happy I've got a really good parking spot, I'm going to call dad's in the morning and see if Janelle wants me to take her to schools, shes a sophomore now, it shall be interesting this year. Janelle and I get along great, shes crazy, I'm not really, which makes us great. I've just got to say in the hallways and if we have the same lunch will be interesting. Ya know it feels strange, but I do love Janelle (her mom and brother too), it does, it feels weird, but its good. Its a new thing, I've always liked them, but never have I thought about saying that I love them. But I do, I love them. I was just thinking about this, cause I'm really excited about going to school with her, I want to introduce her to all of my friends as my step-sister (like a kid sister), and I want to be introduced to her friends too (lol as the cool senior step-sister). I want her friends to like me. I'm excited.


~~TODAY has been kind of sucky~~

Ok so I haven't had to work since thursday, which is weird, I've had all this time to do nothing. I haven't done anything, well I played to soccer games on sunday. But I've just been chilling at home, which is a good thing, I haven't had any time to myself this entire summer. It was relaxing. So yeah today I had to go to the orthodontist at 4 (which I left at 3:30). The plan was after my appointment, I'd head straight to practice and change clothes there. Well I didn't get that far. I was going to take the road that goes through Godley onto Cresson, and then take 377 on my usual route. Well I took the wrong road first, had to turn around, then I passed the right road, then had to take a long ass detour to get back around to get on the right road. So once I'm on the correct road, I get about a mile down it, then I hear this sound, and I was like what the heck was that (and I thought maybe I just ran over something, like a piece of tire or wood or something), so I turned down my radio and I heard it again, so I pulled over, and checked it out. My tread on my tire was cut like 6 inches long and about 1.5 inches wide. Now you've got to understand I knew right when I got my car that I'd need new tires pretty soon, but they told me as long as I was easy on them they'd last awhile longer. So well yeah I was kind of pissed off, but then again I thought it was funny. I'll tell you why I was pissed off in a second. So I called Bee, he told me to go back into down and there should be a place where they could change the tire. And I was sitting there thinking, what the hell I don't have enough money to pay the people to change it. So I had to back track, going around the highway loop, basically it was just a pain in the ass. And embarassing cause I had to drive like 35-40 mph with my hazards on, but it was also pretty funny. My tire didn't blow out just the tread was coming off, which if I kept driving would eventually screw up my car. So I drive down HWY 174 back into Cleburne the way Bee told me to go, but I got fed up with it, and pulled over into a parking lot. I had tried calling my mom at work, but they said she was in Cleburne with Kyle getting some papers signed, which was kind of ironic that they were in the same town when I could have used their help, but there was no way to get ahold of them. So I called Brian, he was almost back to Glen Rose (he was working), but he had to go swich trucks (he was using a work truck and had to get his), so he came to Cleburne, and actually brought his GF Kara, which was cool, I love her shes awesome. I sat there for about 40 minutes, Bee was going to help me cause there was some bus stuck near Cleburne, but he had to take it back then he was going to come back and help me, but I really wanted Brian to come, so when Bee called back I told him Brian was already on his way (which he was, I wasn't just saying it). But when Brian got there, we got my spare out and she showed me how to change my tire, which was really cool of him, I enjoyed it.

So the tire was a little bit low, so we went across the street and the bought me a $7 air gage (which is expensive for this little thing), then we drove down the road to an EZ Mart, and he aired up all of my tires, and it now drives straight, almost. It was pulling really bad to the right, and when ever I sped up or really just anytime driving lately the steering wheel would shake and so would the car, but now it doesn't do any of that anymore, so it made me happy. Well Brian told me I should just go home, so I did and by the time we were done it was like 6:45, practice started at 6 (I had already called Stephanie and told her I might me late, and I might not be there at all), so it was ok. So I got home and I was chilling till mom got home from work, and I ended up waiting till a little before 8 so I could record O.C. So well when she got home (Kyle had to go pick her up), Kyle came up to my room and asked for the phone, during all this I was talking to Bree on the cell. And well I told him he smelled, he told me it was from the dogs. Well the dogs apparently got sprayed my a skunk, which stunk up the whole house. So well finally it was almost 8, so I set the tv for record and left to go wash my car. So well yeah it smells horrible in our garage, then it lightens up the farther you get in the driveway, well I get in my car and it smells like the skunk. So when I get to the top of the road I rolled down my windows, hoping it would just air out. Well after I washed my car and dried it off, I realized my car smelled horribly of skunk. Which strongly pissed me off. Damn dogs, well Damn Fred. So I moved over to where the car airfreshener spray thing was, I did new car smell first, then i did wild cherry. Still smelt it. So well I drove to Levels, I got even more pissed cause for some reason I haven't been able to get my keys out of the ignition. It did it yesterday (at Levels and at the movie store), but I was able to get them out at the orthodontist today. But not at Levels today, and I don't like to leave my car unlocked in a public place. So I went in I was looking for Febreze, but they had none. So I found this stuff that supposedly gets rid of smoke and pet smells. Its this foam stuff you spray all on the carpets and stuff, and it soaks in, you don't have to vaccum it out. It actually smells good. And as far as I could tell when I put it on, it worked, but I don't know it might be temporarily. Kind of like how you spray perfume, and its real strong at first, and then 2 seconds later you barely smell it, and it basically didn't work. I'm afraid thats whats going to happen. I hope not, cause I'm telling you, it smelt really bad. It really pissed me off.

So yeah when I got home (hadn't put the car foam stuff in yet), Brian parked in my spot, I didn't want to park under the trees cause I just washed my car and I didn't want tree sap all over it. So I parked behind mom (still under a tree), tried to take out my keys, ang omg this really pissed me off, I couldn't get them out for the life of me. So I made Kyle go out there and get them out for me. Which was pointless, but made me happy for the moment. But two seconds later I went and moved my car into a semi-open spot, where I would get sap on my car (and once again I couldn't get my keys out, and once again pissed me off). Then came back upstairs and ate dinner, and then went back out, and Brian had left so I moved my car back into my space. Then put the car foam stuff in. Which yeah you know the size of an air freshener bottle, almost a foot big, thats how big this bottle was. I used the whole thing, So I'm hoping it worked. So anyways when I was done with that, I didn't even try to take out my keys. But I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to get them our, cause I am not going to leave my doors unlocked, at school. So yeah I'm going to where my new clothes tomorrow, I ironed them earlier. I hope it will look good, it better, cause I spent some damn good money on this stuff.

Oh yeah the reason I was pissed about my car tire messing up, was because when I was waiting at the orthodontist, Bree called. She was inviting me to go to the movies with her, Gina, Kim and Sarah. They were going to the Uptown Girls at 5:20 (Bree and I had orginally wanted to go see this together), but yeah I was kind of mad cause I couldn't go cause I had practice. So when I ended up not going to practice. I figured out that if I left straight from the orthodontist and went home I would have made it, and I could have borrowed moms car or something and still gone to the movies. See I also think if I went straight home my tire wouldn't have gotten messed up. Cause when I took the wrong road I turned around on some gravel and later when I missed my road and did the whole loop thing, I think thats when it messed up. If I was just driving normally I don't think it would have tore. So yeah I could have gone anyways. But I chose to be the good child and try and go to practice. But yeah when I talked to Bree earlier when I got home, she said Gina didn't even get to go cause her mom wouldn't let her. And Bree said her and Sarah didn't even really like the movie. So I guess I didn't miss out on much. Gina got braces and I wanted to see them. But yeah Bree and I out supposed to hang out this week, for sure on friday, I think, we're supposed to get a few other people with cds in their car and do this thing. Ok basically its this Cure thing, it comes with 4 cds, you put one in each car and play them at the same time, its supposed to be really cool. I want to do it. So yeah anyways, since I get out early, its dads day off, so we are going to go get new tires, hopefully all 4 (which is better to do, than get 2 at a time) after I get out of school. And Bree said since I'm getting out of school early, I could come by her house anytime I want cause she won't be doing anything. Tomorrow's wednesday and I was planning on going to church so after I get my tires I could go hang out with Bree until church starts. Sounds like a plan. Whoo-hoo first day of Senior year, I'm nervous but still excited.

Oh by the way, public announcement for Amanda, I'm really exicted for you, and very happy for you. You've waited along time to be so happy. You truely deserve it. I've only been around Shannon once, but just from hanging out with her that one time, I know shes really cool, and nice. You deserve her and she deserves you. I'm glad you've finally found someone so great. Remember what I said earlier, Carpe Diem. Lol and remember its SEIZE. Sorry couldn't resist that. Yeah your a kick ass girl, I'm very happy and honored to be your friend, and your counselor!!

Ok well yeah its 12:45 now, way past time to go to bed. I'm going to get up at 6 to shave and head to school at 7:30. So yeah I need to go get some sleep. So I'll talk to ya'll laters.

Oh yeah BTW Miss Sara Welker, I'm very much looking forward to getting you're demo, I've missed talking to you this week. Oh and I know you said you don't get you hopes up, which I try not to either. And I agree with you about not doing so. But still you have to keep hope alive, you can't give up on possibilities. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. I really and truly am going to try and come see you on one of these holiday breaks. No promises, but please don't give up hope. And I hope your packing is going smoothly. You only have a little more than a week left. And hey you can kind of look at it like this, atleast you'll be getting a break from your parents for awhile, right? Sorry if I sound like and idiot just trying to make your week, again. Well I can only wait to talk to you soon. Don't forget to write in your blogger while you still can. Well talk to you laters too.