I'm so scared of myself right now. No matter how well my life is going, I can't hide from myself, even when i'm not trying to hide. I've spent the last 4 nights huddled in a corner in my closet or on the porch or outside on the sidewalk, crying my eyes out, for hours. The thoughts that go through my head, terrify me. I have no control over them, and since the last time i relapsed (which was out of rage and purely impulsive), i'm scare of what i can actually do. Before I always had a limit, now it seems to diminish more and more each time. I try and think of who I could call, but stop myself knowing everyone is asleep. There has always been something that has stopped me from calling people. I don't think my own girlfriend realizes exactly how bad it is right now, she doesn't realize that everytime i go "run away" all i want her to do is come after me and just hold me for forever. Things have gotten considerably worse, my temper (or rage) i can't seem to control anymore. I've punched a hole through my bedroom window, broken my new cellphone by throwing it, sliced a major cut in my leg (which i probably should had stitches for), tried to make myself throw up cause i just feel so nauseous. Repeatedly i just want to drive off the road and slam head on into a road barrier. It makes me sick to think of it all. But its true. I keep spiraling more and more out of control, but this time i have no grasp on anything. My emotions run rampant, while my body more often than not functions like the living dead.

Hmm... not sure what to do really, the medicine just seems to be making it worse. But I don't know. We will see, but for now i'm off to work.