A few years ago I gave you everything I had, every fucking beat of me. Every ounce of love and tenderness. Were you too numb to care, too afraid of love? I lost everything because of you, I lost myself, I found out there's really nothing left at the bottom of the barrel. I saw through your walls and the lies, I know your heart was in fact warm. Was that my downfall, loving you despite the fact that you continually tarnished the precious soul that I gave you. Was it a game to you, in which case you beat me in so many ways. I grew, I moved on. Please let me pretend to put on my tough act, though I may not love you anymore your memory haunts me, the scars you left are a literal daily reminder. To try to deny our existence would be pointless, and although you're forgiven for tearing this soul in two it doesn't mean it has healed. I'm still rebuilding, I'm still learning how to love and trust again. I'm thankful I finally realized my own worth and finally stood up for it. You're name has been brought up more in the last month than it has in the last 5 years, I wish I could say it was easy to hear, I wish I could say it wasn't difficult to pretend you weren't recently in the same room as me. There are so many brutal reminders of you. Most of all I wish somehow through it all that my big heart could stop caring about your wellbeing. You might have destroyed who I was, my life and my wellbeing but if I'm really being honest I can never bring myself to hate you. That in itself is something no one else will ever understand. And yes time to time I still write. I wish you well.