I wonder if everything is what it seems, or if its all just a big facade. Do people really mean what they say, is it all really the truth. Are things going to get better or is everything just going to come crashing down again. There is about 10 months left on this lease on life, will I make it till then, will I make it after then. Is it possible that there is a happy ending with this life. i hope so. I want everything to be ok. Things are almost perfect, just a few more pieces of the puzzles to be added, but those pieces I don't have, I hope they'll come to their senses and complete the life thay we've built together.

Hmm... just random thoughts.

Oh and part of randomness. I weigh 105 now. The first time i went to the doctor I weighed 122 I think. And my follow-up a month later, I weighed 114. Everyones been telling me i've lost weight, didn't think this much. I bought at scale the other day, and yeah I weigh 105. And my follow-up appointment again for the doctor was a few days ago (if I could have gone, but was working). Meh... i'm supposed to weigh this much for my height. And mom didn't seem concerned, she said the same thing, except she puts more emphasis on my medicine. Which has had a little part in it. But really its just been stress. Kat asked me last night, cause she seemed concerned and wanted to make sure that I wasn't throwing up or anything. Felt nauseous all the time yes, only forceably made myself throwup last week sometime (when we went and ate at chicken express, which was really good food). That was the first and only time i've ever done it. She also asked if i've been cutting, which i haven't at all. i think for awhile I had became a subconscious anorexic. But now I'm more aware of it. But mostly its because I can't eat cause i feel so nauseous from being stressed out.

But anyways, so thats that. and I'm going to take a shower, cause i just mowed the yard.