!!**I Trust People TOO Damn Easily**!!

I feel so freaking stupid. It amazes me how much I trust people, and believe what they tell me. So does that mean I'm gullible? Uggghhh.... I hate this so much. I want to be able to trust people no matter who they are, but every time I've done that it seems to come back and slap me in the face. I swear this pisses me of so much, I just can't stand it. Why do people have to be so stupid? Why do they make me not trust them? And I know right now that you're wondering what I'm talking about, well I'm fixing to tell you.

Well at Ann's party I stayed up for like 3 1/2 hours talking to Amanda about Miranda for the most part. And I found out alot of things that I really didn't want to know but I needed too. See Ann has been convinced that Miranda has still been doing stuff, but Ann hates Miranda so I couldn't completely believe her. But in the back of my head I knew she was right. But I chose to believe Miranda, I chose to believe what she told me was true, I believed her!! I chose to to believe that she was different than last year. God I believed her. And dear, dear Amanda, told me the truth. Her and Miranda have gotten high twice since we broke up, and Amanda told me Miranda has done it more that those times. She told me Miranda had also been smoking cigarettes. Well the next day me, Nikki, Sarah, and Miranda were going to run the 5k run for project graduation. I want to knock the shit out of Miranda so bad, but I kept my will power. Plus Amanda had asked me not to say anything to her on Saturday, cause her, Miranda, and Nikki were going out that night and she wanted it to still be fun. So I kept my promise of course. Well at like 10:30 I left to go to Nikki's cause I forgot to give them my registration papers for the Race for the Cure.

 

I ended up staying and talking to Angie (Nikki's mom) until they got back, Miranda left as soon as she dropped them off. Well then Amanda called her and told her that I was supposed to talk to her tomorrow and that she didn't want her to be mad at her because she told me. And I of course listened to everything Miranda said. Then I heard the truth come from Miranda's very own mouth. She said I would find out eventually, and she said it doesn't matter if I hate her cause her feelings for me will never change. She is so "if I can't have you then I'm never going to have anyone else," that type of thing, fatal attraction I guess. But well Amanda had to go home and I ended up watching tv with Nikki till like 12:30 or so.

When I left I looked at my phone: 3 new voicemails. So I immediately checked them like I always do, the first two were from Miranda. At 11:16 p.m. "yeah its Miranda sorry I called so late, umm... I just had a very weird vibe. Umm... supposedly you're supposed to talk to me about something tomorrow, so I guess I'll wait till then. I was going to say something, but I don't even remember what I was going to say, but anyway." At 11:50 p.m. "yeah umm.. its Miranda look don't worry about calling me back or anything just forget it, everything. uhh... I don't even know why I try, you don't have to worry about it no more, don't worry about it bye." Now about this time I'm totally freak out, and even more when I get Amanda's voicemail at 11:54 p.m. "Erin its Amanda, its 12:02, and she just called me saying that if you didn't answer your phone shes gonna regret it or that you're going to regret it, which means shes probably gonna fucking kill herself. So if you get this within this night please answer your phone, cause I don't want that to happen you can call me later bye." Now the reason I hadn't answered the phone is because I left it in the car. Well when I was listening to these messages I was driving home, but as soon as I heard Miranda's last message, I did a freaking u-turn like no other, and sped off in the middle of town, and went to her house, the whole way over there I was calling her. I didn't get an answer after like 7 times so I called Amanda and asked if she'd heard from her, she said they had been text messaging but she would talk on the phone, but the last time she'd heard from her was a little after 12:00, so I was like well ok I'm on my way over to her house right now, so I guess I'll call you back in a little while to tell you what happens.

So as I was getting to her house I was still calling her, I turned off my lights and parked in front of her house. I got out, and I was in shorts and sandals (I originally only planned to be gone from my house for about 45 minutes), I started to pick up rocks. So I went and threw that handful at her windows, no answer, so I went and got another handful, and used all of those and continued to call her, no answer. So then I called Amanda and asked if she knew if there was a spare key, she didn't (then I hung up_, so then I looked under the mat and above the door, no key. So then I was like ok, hopefully theres a ladder over here, there was. As soon as I picked it up to start moving it, her dogs started barking at me, so I set it up against the house, then ran in behind a bush in case anyone came outside. So I sat there for awhile and continued to call her. then I went to get the ladder again, this time I got it in time to move it in front of the bush and I had to lean it against the 4-wheeler, then I sat there for awhile till the dogs shut up. Then I grabbed it again and moved it to the other side of the yard (where there wasn't a 4-wheeler) then the dogs started barking again, so then I sat there on the ground and waited, then after awhile I unfolded the ladder checked to see if anyone was in the living room, there wasn't, so then I sat it up on the walkway, climbed it and pull myself up onto her balcony, and walked inside, and went and turned on the light, then I walked to her bed. The light woke her up, then she turned over and saw, me she kind of flinched (like I was part of a dream), then it scared her cause someone was really standing in front of her. Her eyes were all red, I could tell she had been crying.

Then I sat there on her bed, and we just sat there in silence for awhile but I asked her if she had anything to tell me, she said no cause right then she was just completely disgusted with herself (for leaving that message, but she said that she wouldn’t ever really kill herself), then her cat came up there so I played with her, and I was like its been awhile Breenis. It was weird being in her house, I hadn't been there since like January 20th. Well then we heard someone cough so I got up and turned off the light, Miranda started freaking out, "I can't believe this, can anything else go wrong." Then I was like you know Miranda you don't leave messages like that on peoples phone and then not answer yours, she said shed turned the volume on low and that she didn't hear it. Then we sat there for awhile. And I was like I have a million things to say, but I didn't want to say them tonight. (And thats cause I really wanted to hit her, but I tend to avoid acting violent so I probably wouldn't have done it). She was like well then wait. Then later she was like so are you going to tell me now or later. I was like well I might as well do it now. I told her I'm disappointed in you and I'm mad at you for lying to me, you didn’t lie just a few times but continuously. I was like do you realize that our entire relationship was based on lies. You lied to me the entire time. I chose to believe that you were telling me the truth, that you had changed. I chose not to believe everyone. No matter how many people told me, I believed you. And you know what they were right, you let them be right.

Then I asked the details on what she had done and I know shes still partly lying to me. I knew at the first part of our relationship she was dipping and when I found out I told her to stop, she told me later she didn’t stop for another few weeks. She told me that she had smoked weed for a little bit when we first got together, but it was because she wasn’t sure about what she had at first. And I was like Miranda you’ve been unsure up until New Years. Cause that’s when she first lied to me (straight to my face). We had gone to the Star’s game that night, and we went over to Cassi and Ashley’s house, and she promised me beforehand that she wouldn’t drink. Right after we got there Cassi had made a mix and told her to taste it, she did even though I was standing right there but that didn’t make me too mad. But later I was sitting in the living room, and I was watching through the reflection in the entertainment center and I saw Miranda take a shot, and I was so pissed off. I got up and walked out the door and sat outside for like 30 minutes (and it was like 30 degrees). She wasn’t the first to look for me, two different times they came outside and didn’t see me then finally Miranda came outside and found me. I asked her if she did anything. She said no, she didn’t. Then I was like well then Miranda I guess my eyes were mistaken me, I saw you Miranda, I saw what you did, I’m not stupid. She lied to e right to me face. Anyways… Then Miranda told me she got high right after we broke up and once with Amanda. Which was a lie, Amanda told me shes done it more than twice. Then I was like and I know you’ve been smoking cigarettes too, so how frequently have you been doing it? She asked me what I thought frequently meant, I didn’t answer cause she answered my question right then. Frequently: all the time, everyday probably more than once. Everytime I’ve asked her if shes done something shes lied to me. And that pisses me off. That means that my entire relationship with her was a lie.

But well off that a little bit, she was just like I want to change, especially after tonight, I’ve been trying (I told her that was bullshit) but I just don’t know how to do it. I told her well first of all you can’t dwell on things, you have to be a good person to everyone (not to be mean to Amanda), and you have to focus on make things in the future good, and you have to learn from your mistakes and I mean really learn from them. She kept telling me she was afraid that I would just walk out of her life and never speak to her again. I told her I wouldn’t do that. She asked me that if she hits a couple of bumps in the road if I’d be there for her, I told her I would.

But well my last thoughts about this, is well as much as I wanted to beat the shit out of her physically (I didn’t), but I think I probably did a damn good job about beating it into her emotionally. This is all for now, I’m going to write about Jeannie in a little bit, I need to calm down for a bit.

OH YEAH I FORGOT, FROM WHAT I HAVE FOUND OUT RECENTLY ABOUT MIRANDA THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY OF ME EVER DATING HER AGAIN!!!