~~Hello, my name is Erin and I am a player. A damn good one too~~

Ok so I had this whole damn thing written out, and it was pretty long. But my computer hates me, and when i clicked to post it, well it screwed it up. And although I copied it, intending to paste it in case the computer did screw up. Well for some reason, that didn't work either. So the whole entry was lost, and i am having to start again, and i do belive it won't be near as good as the first, but bare with me, ok.

Ok, so am I proud of being a player, HELL NO, thats just who I have come to be.








Ok so these are some of the things said in a past conversation, i may have not said them all, but this is how i feel, so here we go:

*for awhile, if its a chemical imbalance thats the problem, then yeah it should work, but if its situational like me, then it doesn't always work (referring to anti-depressants)
*...but I am so emotionless when it comes to relationships right now....
*i can agree with you, its not like anyone around here wants to hear that someone that is supposed to be there friend is having problems, people these days just can deal with anything cause they're too scared of everything.
*lol dating scene, such a frustration, kind of but not
erinlJONES: in a situation right now, where i just want to give up and break up, but i can't cause i'm stubborn and want to prove people wrong. the parents don't want me to date their daughter, cause they think i'm too old and all of this other BS. its frustrating. and i don't want to deal with it.
erinlJONES: i just want to give up on dating all together, guys or girls, it all sucks for me
*but nah, with guys, in GR i'm still their best friend, in granbury they all think i'm a lesbian cause people spread rumors and never quite get the story right. and plus high school guys are dumbasses
*i feel so wrong sometimes, i have so many crushes on people its so not even funny. like I don't know like i see something in everyone. I'd be premiscuous if i had the opportunities probably. its part of the depressive thing i have. always trying to fulfill this empty space within me, but nothing ever fills it. does that makes sense?
*I am cold and stone inside....
*...I just dont have a heart to give....its like I am incapable of feeling something for someone....
*its weird i'm alway so lonely, and i always want someone, and when i do have some one, i'm even more lonier.
*i am incapable of actually loving someone
*...and its just that I feel so cold and confused that I cant feel anything else




**Conversations with Katlin last night**

MakenkiKat: hey
MakenkiKat: how's your day been?
MakenkiKat: *poke* TV?
MakenkiKat: food?
erinlJONES: my day has been good. trip to the orthodontist, and wal-mart
erinlJONES: and i'm working on cooking dinner
MakenkiKat: ah that's good
MakenkiKat: what's for dinner?
erinlJONES: chicken and rice
MakenkiKat: yummy
erinlJONES: how was your day?
MakenkiKat: I just had one of the biggest panic attacks... I'm so tired right now. Yeah, but we went to the zoo, ate at hoffbrau
MakenkiKat: basically, we've been in FW all day
erinlJONES: cool. why a panic attack?
MakenkiKat: Tired? Everything's weird right now. Things are strange and I wish they could go back to normal w/ my parents, but they can't, and I was scared they would find out about last night, or something.
MakenkiKat: so, anyway
MakenkiKat: *pokes*
erinlJONES: oic
erinlJONES: nah.... i'm actually not really tired
erinlJONES: i slept till about 3 yesterday, so i wouldn't have gone to bed until like 3 in the morning anyways, and i slept till about 1 today
MakenkiKat: you didn't walk around a zoo for 3 to 4 hrs
erinlJONES: oic
MakenkiKat: lol, let me complain even more
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: feel free
MakenkiKat: *snorts* sarcasm.
MakenkiKat: alright then;
my feet hurt,
my head hurts,
I feel like a walking zombie,
My lunch today was horrible, but there was enough of it,
my hair's messed up,
I'm tired
MakenkiKat: lol
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: meh, 2 yr old whining, fun
MakenkiKat: lol, fanfic writers are insane
MakenkiKat: so, how's dinner?
erinlJONES: its all right
MakenkiKat: surely it's better than all right
MakenkiKat: what are you watching?
erinlJONES: no really, it was just, alright. i was watching high school reunion
MakenkiKat: er... what? New reality show?
erinlJONES: its not new, its been on the WB for 2 past seasons
erinlJONES: this season is a high school group of 93' from Round Rock, Texas
MakenkiKat: oh.
MakenkiKat: *blinks*
MakenkiKat: I'm very well informed, it seems
MakenkiKat: is it good?
erinlJONES: ok...its really good, funny to me atleast, theres a gay guy on it this year
erinlJONES: dangit, i really hate it when i drop my cup, the cup i spit my sunflower seed shells into
erinlJONES: brb have to clean up the floor
erinlJONES: ok i'm good now
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: Kristen is on something.... I could swear by it...
erinlJONES: wouldn't surprise me
MakenkiKat: AiNoKuro [9:12 PM]: OH MY GOD KATLIN
AiNoKuro [9:12 PM]: THE DOORKNOBS ARE OUT TO GET ME
MakenkiKat [9:12 PM]: meh?
MakenkiKat [9:12 PM]: lol
MakenkiKat: AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: Every single time I jump to the door, the doorknob won't turn and I hit the door
AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: EVER TIME
AiNoKuro [9:13 PM]: *EVERY
MakenkiKat: wait, what am I talking about?
MakenkiKat: She IS on something
MakenkiKat: lots of somethings
erinlJONES: interesting
MakenkiKat: ><
MakenkiKat: heh, ignore me
erinlJONES: ok
erinlJONES: lol
MakenkiKat: not seriously!
MakenkiKat: j/k
erinlJONES: lol
erinlJONES: i know
MakenkiKat: ^_^
MakenkiKat: so, what are yo u watching now?
erinlJONES: nothing actually
erinlJONES: there is no sound in my room, but me typing
MakenkiKat: that's fun. No music, tv, ect?
erinlJONES: nope
MakenkiKat: so, who other than me, are you talking to?
erinlJONES: matt, my friend Sara from washinton, and mayra from tcu
erinlJONES: and you
erinlJONES: and i'm writing and email to my old coach
MakenkiKat: okay, anything interesting?
erinlJONES: nothing really
erinlJONES: did you look at that book, yet
erinlJONES: ?
MakenkiKat: that's fun
MakenkiKat: yeah, I read the first 40-50 pages this morning
MakenkiKat: brb
erinlJONES: wow
erinlJONES: ok
MakenkiKat: wow?
erinlJONES: i didn't really expect you to read it
MakenkiKat: why not?
erinlJONES: i don't know
MakenkiKat: hm...
MakenkiKat: am I clingy?
erinlJONES: why do you ask?
MakenkiKat: just wondering
erinlJONES: why?
MakenkiKat: *blink*
MakenkiKat: I want to know
MakenkiKat: ooooooooookay, no answer
erinlJONES: why
MakenkiKat: *mutters about having to have a reason for everything*
MakenkiKat: I still feel like I'm doing something wrong.
erinlJONES: why
MakenkiKat: I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm doing anyhing right. I feel like you're doing everything for me, and I can't do anything for you. I feel selfish.
erinlJONES: its my job to do everything for you, i'm the knight in shining armor, remember?
MakenkiKat: frickin hell, I should be doing something, other than making you come out in the middle of the frickin night, walk half a mile in the freezing cold, and then pissing you off somehow.
erinlJONES: you didn't piss me off
MakenkiKat: then what did I do?
erinlJONES: nothing
erinlJONES: i'm not sure what you're thinking about
MakenkiKat: because I can't seem to talk, which is what you wanted to do last night, right? talk?
erinlJONES: i'm not sure what i wanted
erinlJONES: i just knew that i couldn't give in
MakenkiKat: >< No fun.
MakenkiKat: stubborn
erinlJONES: you know i don't want to hurt you right
MakenkiKat: yes, I know that
erinlJONES: but i know from experience, thats all i'll probably end up doing
MakenkiKat: hurting you has been one of my major concerns since my parents found out.
erinlJONES: hurting me
erinlJONES: HA
erinlJONES: right..........
MakenkiKat: I know. You're stronger than I am, I don't know how I would hurt you. I don't want to. One of those stupid repetitive thoughts that won't leave you alone. I knew you'd scoff at that. But that's where the fear of doing something wrong comes in. Of pissing you off. Or something.
erinlJONES: exactly, you don't know how you would hurt me
erinlJONES: because you can't hurt me
erinlJONES: you know, i never really set out to intentionally hurt someone, but subconsciously i do. I set out to be everything the other person needs (their knight in shining armor). they attach to me, they love me, i break their heart, they still love me
MakenkiKat: you're easy to love
erinlJONES: because i've manipulated you into believing that
erinlJONES: how can you not love someone who is everything you want them to be
erinlJONES: but really its just an act
MakenkiKat: however fucked up you say you are
erinlJONES: ?????
MakenkiKat: then stop putting on the act.
erinlJONES: the hardest part is, convincinf the other person, that they've bascially been played all along. I have maniuplated you into believing that i'm the greastest thing thats ever happened to you. I'm good at knowing what a person wants and what a person needs, and so i give that to them. and all the time i don't ever get any satisfaction from making this other person happy
erinlJONES: you're not dealing to well with this, are you? cause you don't have any clue of what i'm saying, you don't understand this
MakenkiKat: what I hear you saying is this relationship isn't what you want, you've found out, because you're getting no satisfaction out of it, because you're acting. Expand on that, correct it, affirm it. That's what I hear you saying.
erinlJONES: i don't get any satisfaction from any relationship, thats what i'm trying to tell you
MakenkiKat: so, you want to-?
erinlJONES: want to, what?
MakenkiKat: your trying to tell me you don't get any satisfaction with any relationship. Is that all you're trying to tell me, or is there more?
erinlJONES: you haven't absorbed anything that i've said
MakenkiKat: probably not.
MakenkiKat: Erin, I don't react, reacting gets me yelled at, I hate confrontation, when ever I get into a situation I'm not intrested in, I pull back and try to accomadate everyone, lighten the situation. I withdraw.
MakenkiKat: So, that's what I'm trying to do. And, it's not working
MakenkiKat: so what do I need to do?
erinlJONES: i can't tell you what you need to do..
MakenkiKat: damn, and I thought you'd make it easy for me
erinlJONES: easy eh, you've already answered your own question, you don't react, so your answer is, react
MakenkiKat: react...
erinlJONES: yeah
erinlJONES: react
MakenkiKat: great, another thing I don't know how to do.
erinlJONES: ................................................................................... ..
MakenkiKat: yeah, I know, not reacting
MakenkiKat: damn it, I really don't want to lose you. I bought you a card yesterday, you know, one of those long meaningful ones :) I was writing a letter in it, and wasn't done, which is why I didn't give it to you last night. I don't know how to react. Right now, I'm thinking "gooooooooooood, onother thing I'm asking someone else to do for me." It seems like I'm depending on everyone else right now. I really hate it, but I can't get away from it. I'm babbling about stupid shit right now, which seems to happen w
MakenkiKat: henever I write.
MakenkiKat: Alright. I don't want our relationship to end, but I don't want you to pretend fo be someone you're not. I love what you've shown me of you so far. But you don't seem to think our relationship will work. and I'm the stupid naive chick who doesn't know a thing.
erinlJONES: OMG I TRULY WANT TO FUCKING KILL MY COMPUTER
MakenkiKat: do it then, but you won't have a internet access when you're done. *speaks from experience*
MakenkiKat: oh, yeah, and "why, what happened?"
MakenkiKat: *poke*
erinlJONES: i was writing in my blogger, and went to save it and my computer fucked up, and it didn't save, and i'm extremely pissed
MakenkiKat: I'm sorry
MakenkiKat: did the blogger entry have how annoyed/frestrated you are at me for not being able to get things? or to react? or anything like that
erinlJONES: no
erinlJONES: but it was explaining alot of stuff
MakenkiKat: did you start it over again?
erinlJONES: not yet
erinlJONES: i'm still trying to see if i can fix it
MakenkiKat: won't work
MakenkiKat: if it didn't save it's gone
erinlJONES: see its weird, i copied it, but it won't paste, i opened word to paste it there, it says insufficient space, and if i try to paste it in msn messenger it says it can't send folders but to send by files
MakenkiKat: ugh! I hate it when that happens!
erinlJONES: i don't know, maybe i'll retype it later, although i know it won't be nearly the same, but maybe once i calm down it will be ok
erinlJONES: but i don't know, i think i'm going to go paint my shower, so i'll be back later
MakenkiKat: okay
MakenkiKat: lol
MakenkiKat: have fun
erinlJONES: i will
MakenkiKat: how's it going?
MakenkiKat: hey, I really need some sleep, so I'm going to bed now. I still have Kristen's cell w/ me if you want to talk. Goodnight.
MakenkiKat signed off at 12:30:06 AM.