**I can't sleep**

How sad, lol. But really its not funny, I read about a 200 page book tonight, just for the hell of it. I haven't been able to sleep hardly at all the last 2 weeks, I haven't quite figured out why though. I do know, that I’m really depressed, lonely, and tired. I'm so tired of it all, does it ever end? I'm beginning to think it doesn't. My depression isn't situational, but its not permanent (in the sense that is a chemical imbalance), I’ve been thinking alot about my life, about growing up. And I've been able to realize, that I’m alot more fucked up than I thought I was, I can never fully explain it to anyone, cause they can't feel the pain I’m in. I'm tired of being depressed, but its not like I can simply snap my fingers and it will be gone. I simply just don't like myself and I don't like myself, its not really a matter of liking, I absolutely hate both. Its really quite sad, how I have adjusted to everything, to my thoughts and all of that. Like I just go by some of the things, without thinking much about it, or not dwelling on it (in a way), these thoughts occur to often its just simply nothing new to me. I don't think anyone could possibly imagine how often I think of suicide (in nearly every way I can think of doing it) or how much I think about death. Its not pleasing. But its just something I think about, I mean I think about all sorts of other things as well, which you would know of, if you had a conversation with me.

My heart is cold and hard like a rock, its broke, dark and black as hell----no love, feeling, or real emotion has entered my heart in a very, very long time. Don't ever believe me if I say I love you, I will be lying. I am incapable of loving. I can make love, kiss, hold hands, give everything tangible to someone, but I fell feel no pleasure in any of it. When a person says they love me (a person I’m dating that is), I believe them, cause I know I’ve basically manipulated them into believing that they love me. But when they give that love to me, and when I don't return the love, it hurts them, they think all sorts of things (mostly that they've done something wrong, which they haven't), I end up breaking their heart. I don't intentionally set out to do these things, but it all ends up occurring. You see I don't have any love to give, I can't love, I am incapable of loving, of loving anyone. I can hope that each relationship would be different, I tend to trick myself into believing for awhile that its different, but every time the truth comes back to me, and I can't lie to myself anymore. And I realize that the relationship won't work. And I'll try and break up with the person, each time it comes suddenly to them, and they are clueless of why. Never do they realize, or never do they admit, that I was the problem all a long. But because I treated them well they were blinded, and did not see the truth. Never do they understand why I act this way. I've always been lonely, and I’ve always searched for something to fill that emptiness. The last 2 years I’ve tried dating, which doesn't work. I can be so lonely, and I think by dating someone I won't be lonely anymore, but really it just makes me lonelier. Its hard to understand I know, but just believe it ok. I just don't feel anything real anymore, dating doesn't fill that void, its nothing against the people. But I don't think having people love me, will ever fill the void (not people that I date atleast, cause I can't return the love). Happiness will feel the void, but I have yet to find that happiness. Maybe when I’m at peace with myself, maybe then I won't be lonely anymore.

But the whole point of this, is to try and help ya'll understand why my relationships tend not to work out. Everyone I’ve dated have been wonderful people. But I’m sorry to say, i used each and every one of them, but really I never got anything out of it. I guess each time is was a new experiment, me each time hoping something new would happen. That I would finally discover or find that one thing that would make me happy. I know I have hurt people, but I don't think it could ever compare to my inner torment and pain. Another sad thing is, I know I’ve hurt people, but I’m so fucked up, and can't fill anything, that after I’ve hurt someone, I just put that fact in the back of my mind, and it doesn't bother me at all, and when the person brings it up all it does is piss me off. Sad that I’m too damn heartless to really feel guilty or remorseful for the pain I’ve caused. I am sorry for what I have done, but trust me, you're better off being you and being somewhat broken hearted, than of being me. Never feel rejected, when you date me. For the millionth time, I am incapable of returning any form of affection.

My life has been pretty fucked up ok, I AM PRETTY FUCKED UP!! *Points to head* I'm not very alright upstairs. I'll have a lot of psychological problems for quite awhile. And I can guarantee you that all of my problems, have come from my family. Ok analogy time: if you have alot of pennies, eventually from them adding up you'll have a dollar. I have to different views on this. A lot of small problems add up to be one BIG problem. My second view is that finding all the solutions to these problems add those up and eventually the big problem will be solved. Oh I kind of have a third. If you add up all the pennies you have sanity.......WELL I HAVE ALOT OF MISSING PENNIES (or in more common turns I’ve lost a lot of marbles, and now I have to find them).

But being me, I’ve searched in a million different places to find happiness. I've been desperate, I’ve been to all sorts of lows. Alot of my decisions have been bad, most of them hurting me, and in 4 specific cases I’ve hurt other people. But anyways, yeah... I've been to all sorts of lows to find happiness and all sorts of highs, and in the middle too. Never finding anything to fill this void within me. I guess I was still to blind or just to afraid to admit the truth. That the source of the problem comes from my own flesh and blood. I've never wanted to admit this, but I am now. I'm not sure how to find my happiness, but I know where the problem lies. Or problems I should say. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS PROBLEM. I am absolutely clueless. And the sad part is, no one can help me with it, its something I have to figure out on my own. Frustrating as hell, thats for damn sure. I don't know. I hope someday I’ll be able to figure it all out. But I know until then I’ll probably stay depressed and all that. And I feel sorry for anyone that dates me in the future. Too bad medicine doesn't really make you happy, lol the legal ones that is. I'm sure illegal drugs could make me happy, but only temporarily, and even then it would be a fake happy. Just a thought, no worries, I’d never do any of that shit, or kill myself. Ok well I’m going to go lay in bed for awhile until I have to get up and take a shower, drive to Cleburne and yet my new retainer (which I’m excited about, neon orange that glows in the dark, and no teeth on it either, lol) Then I haven't decided if I want to go through Granbury or not on the way to las Colinas (sp?) on the way to the lab (more crap relating to my teeth, which luckily ya'll have been fortunate enough not to hear me bitch about), but for those who know me, I still haven't gotten my permanent teeth put on. And then I’m going to go watch the boys soccer playoff game, at northwest highschool. Another late night, I just hope I fall straight asleep when I get home. But well I shall go for now, laters. ----Erin


BY THE WAY: no one reply to anything that I have said. If you do it is going to piss me off extremely. I do not like comments from people that I know, if you know me and you read this, its a privilege, because I’m being honest on here. And I can almost guarantee you that no one in your real life is ever this honest with you. I do not want comments, because I know if will be ya'lls bullshit sympathy, and ya'll have no idea how much that drives me insane. Sorry if that sounds bitchy, but I really don't care. NO COMMENTS FROM PEOPLE I KNOW. Thanks. Laters