~~So... Holidays Suck~~

Gee to I seem negative. I can't help it, I really do hate holidays. Or well family holidays atleast. Its just a lame excuse for the family to get to get once or twice a year. Hmm... lets see one side of the family (my dad's), don't ever come down at the same time, in order to avoid the others (my uncle Terry, avoiding everyone), and my cousins who have nothing in common with me and just see me as a tag along. And on the other side of the family (my mom's) we have everyone who loves and cares for each other, which for some reason makes me sick, they have nothing in common with me either, they try to talk to me, but theres nothing to talk about All of it is just pure awkwardness. God, if only these people really knew who I was, I mean, the me within me, the me that they have no clue about. If only they knew, wonder how great that'd go over.

I don't know why it is, that family holidays make me so sick, or miserable. I really do hate holidays, with a passion. Theres only so much I can take from people, or well be patient with. Face it, i just cant stand my family, they drive me insane. Its like ok, you've never shown me love, except when holidays come around, and then all the sudden you decide to take time to show me love, and pretend that you care to talk to me. Don't they realize that I see straight through them. I'd rather them completely ignore me, then to pretend that they care. Ok and another thing, our family is not that close at all, we never say that we love each other, we just all assume it, its just there. Mom and I never hug, never have. Dad hugs me, tells me he loves me, but why has it always felt fake? (perhaps cause hes never really been there for me). I can't really explain everything, its just like this underlying feeling that I've always had. Its not a matter of the food or how many presents I get, its never been about that, all that stuff has been there for me, but family holidays just make me miserable. I guess the basic reason I can find is that my parents are divorced, and family holidays are about family, we don't have a family, we have families, seperate ones, ones that don't interact anymore, its sad, but its just life right?

Well I'm thinking the holidays might be better this year, for one I'm not insanely depressed and suicidal. And two, I'm more outgoing now, sort of. So thanksgiving might be good tomorrow, Kyle won't be there to save me from my mom's family, like he always has, hes going to Mema and Grangran's house (my dad's parents), but its all good, I'll just take a book to read, or well just go to sleep.

But as for Christmas, thats a whole different story. Christmas is going to be GREAT this year!! Seriously. I do not plan on being stuck here in Texas, where I don't want to be. I am planning on going to spend about a week or more with Sara, the one from Hawaii/Washinton, lol. Ever since I got on my meds, and got school sorted out, cleaned my room (which has its own underlying message, its like cleaning up my life, and getting rid of my baggage), I've been able to get my thoughts and feelings in order and under control. In simplar words, I've finally got my head out of my ass, and realized how great Sara is, I knew she was great, but damn. I can't even begin to explain how I feel towards her. I've gone the research, planned it out, I am going to see her. Fuck Christmas with the family, I don't give a shit about that. I care about Sara, I believe this will be the first happy Christmas I've had in a very long time. You know what the cool thing is, her mom doesn't care, they're going to be in Las Vegas with family like the whole break, and she doesn't care if I come up (from what I know atleast). I asked my mom about it the other day, and she was like I don't want you going by yourself, which means theres room to work, I will go on my own, I always manage to work things like that out (besides who'd go with me, or in other words who would I want to go with me, NO ONE, this trip is for me and Sara dammit). I told my mom, that I didn't have all the specifics worked out yet (which I pretty much do, except for the permission factor), but that I just wanted to put the idea in her head, and I told her, besides you know as well as I do that I hate holidays.

But Yeah, I'm totally psyched, I've never felt so sure about anything before, as I am now. My mind is so clear now, no complications, no complicated feelings. I know what I feel, I want her, she wants me, I care about her more than anyone could ever know. And damn, what gets me everytime with her, is her voice and the sound of her guitar, when she sings for me on the phone. Damn, its amazing, I get this calm, soothing feeling all throughout my body, and I can't stop smiling, even after she stops singing, I love it. She has an amazing view of life too, I can't really explain it, you'd just have to know her, know her thoughts. I'm so excited!!!!! I finally will get to meet her, see her with my own eyes, touch her, hold her, hear her beautiful voice, look into those eyes I've so been longing to look into. So many things, finally can happen. I told her dammit, I promised her, told her again and again, I was coming to see her, she never really believed it, I stopped believing for awhile (when I had lost hope in everything else as well), but I always keep true to my original promises. I am going to see her. A long ass drive, by myself, is it worth it? HELL YES!!!!!! Wow I haven't thought so clearly in along time. I am happy, I am content, I am clear. My feelings are true, my feelings are real, my feelings are infinite.