!!I've been thinking ALOT lately!! ~~About Rebecca and Michelle~~

Primarily about two people in my past, who I wish were a part of my life today. Over time I've drifted apart from one, and the other I moved away from because of complications between us and we needed time. For the last 2 weeks I haven't been able to stop thinking about these people, mainly one of the two (Rebecca).

The other is Michelle and I just keep having dreams about her and our friendship, and I've been recopying my poems into my spiral and alot of them are about her, and it has just brought up all of these feelings that I have pushed to the back of my mind. I just keep remembering how different I was then, than I am now. I've been trying to write her for about 2 months now, and I haven't been able to finish it, its a little more than a page, but everything I write just seems so meaningless. But I know it doesn't have to be meaningful, so I've just been updating her, I guess, alot has happened since I first tried to write her, so I'm going to have to rewrite it. Throughout this last year, Michelle and I have been friends, I guess you could say we worked things out, but basically what happened at the end of my sophomore year, we never talked about again. We started over everytime we saw each other we'd just stop and talk, not really any weirdness. Well I say that, everytime I've seen her, I just wanted to hug her and tell her I love her (just in general), but I was always afriad she'd take it the wrong way. But we still hugged and I told her I was proud of her a few times, cause it was the truth. Damn, as much as I think about it, I've never really gotten over her I suppose. But I haven't ever figured out if it was because I loved her and wanted a relationship with her, with all my heart, or because she was my best friend and I lost that and lost a part of me with it. I honestly think its the second one. But all I know is that I miss her dearly.

Ok and with Rebecca:
we've just grown apart over the last few months. Its weird though, here lately like seriously the last 2 weeks, everything has reminded me of her. Subconsciously I've been doing alot of things, like going to the Coffee Grinder, and well i've been doing this one thing since our first date (and the last week or so I've started drinking coffee at home), I always find Orion at night, no matter where I am, I find him, I say he is my watcher and my protector, so there is no need for me to be afraid (weird, huh). But the really weird thing is, is I get these weird signs. Like just the other day I was in the car and put on a cd, and one of the songs was one I downloaded because Rebecca put the lyrics in her blogger. And as soon as I got out of the car, I went in to my appointment at the oral surgeon, on the radio they played 4 songs in a row, all that Rebecca put in her blogger. Oh and you know the purple hippopatomus thing, someone asked me that the other day, it totally threw me off. And well everyday, I check my email about 3 times a day (cause I get alot of junkmail, and I always hope I'll get an actual email from someone), and well I check Rebecca's blogger about 5 or 6 times a day, seriously. Always hoping for an update, and usuall I'm disappointed. I know shes busy, but DAMMIT I MISS HER!! Oh another thing that has gotten me thinking about her, is I've had a few appointments in Cleburne, and we drive that way to go to my club soccer games in Plano, and we always drive past that one road, and I always look in that direction, thinking and knowing shes out there somewhere, I wonder what shes doing, I wonder how she is doing. It drives me up the wall. I'd call her, but I wouldn't know what to say, I'd email her, but once again I wouldn't know what to say. Well I did email her and I said: All I have to say in three quick words, I miss you.

Oh also, going over my poems, reminded me of her. I've been looking through alot of my old posts, and I've read about her, I've been looking through her old posts and read about me. I've read about us. Reading what went on between us, just everything. And I think about today, and wonder where she is, what shes doing, who she is with, what shes thinking about, how she is feeling. I miss it all. I miss our friendship. Since I've been home tonight, I've been reading alot of her posts while I was doing something else, and I realized something. I started to pull away from her last April, I was hurt I guess or more so disappointed that nothing worked out and didn't help the situation by being shy. After she broke up with me a week or so before my birthday, I couldn't stand to think of her, to see her login names, I didn't want to have anything to do with her, I think she knew this. Before that every song she had posted I'd copy it down and download it later. I stopped doing that back in April. The last month or so i've been meaning to go back and write them all down again, but for awhile it wouldn't let me get to a few of the pages. But today, oh glorious today, I went back through every single entry and copied down every single song, and date it was posted on (so that they can be in order). And actually the last few days, I've gone through her old sites and her current one, and copied each month and saved them onto my computer, I don't know why, but I guess I just want to keep reading through them cause it just says so much about her, and I learn something each time I read them, and I'm afraid she is going to delete them, so then I wouldn't be able to read them.

Wow that sounds really weird and obsessive that I did that, but I don't mean it to seem that way. Is it weird? I suppose I'm just weird about saving things, every conversation I have with someone, one of my friends, I save the conversation afterwards. Any emails I get, I save them. Lol I'm like with things off the net too, I'm a "pack-rat" as they say.

Anyways, yeah every playground I've driven past reminds me of her, I remember the night we walked and played on the playgrounds at her old elementary schools. Everytime I drive past big rocks and the soccer park in Cleburne, I think about her. But well it seems as if all these things remind me of her, of our past. But also I try to avoid the things that remind me of her, like I don't listen to Avril Lavigne hardly anymore, and I especially avoid that song, "thing I'll never say." I mean just the specific things like the songs we used to listen to, oh yeah I've also stopped posting lyrics too. Whenever I think about soccer season, I think about how it is going to be freezing, then I think about those two freezing games I went to to watch her play. But you know what I miss the most, listening to her talk, about everything. I miss her mind, the way she thinks is just so beautiful. I miss having her tell me about everything shes seen, read in a book, or experienced, its also just so wonderful and interesting. And also, I miss seeing her smile.

Damn, I just miss her so much, I miss our friendship, I wish she wasn't so busy, I'd love to see her or hear from her sometime. Hell if I knew it was ok, I just stop by her house on my way to practice someday (lol I doubt it would be ok though). You know what the main thing I keep thinking about, or wondering I should say, is if she ever thinks about me anymore? I assume she does every once and awhile, cause in her last post, she mentioned my name. But who knows, lol only she does. Oh and another thing I've been wondering, is I wonder if she still reads my blogger? I don't think she does, cause I get these updates every week, and it generally only says one person has been on it, and generally that person is me. I wonder how long it has been since she has gotten an update with me?

Someday, we will have time, someday.


Well its almost one in the morning and I'm quite tired from my game earlier today, and I have a game tonight (monday) at 8:30 in Plano, yay, fun. So I better go try and get some sleep, laters.

By the way, I love all of you.