Slipping Again

I find myself slipping again and again. Its the reoccuring theme of my life. Losing grip on my life and who I am. To simply put things I'm tired of everything. I begin relationships only to end them in a short amount of time, and in the end realizing that I can't do any better than these people. I have such great things, yet I throw them all away. I ask myself why, my answer is that I don't know. I don't understand myself, ever. I come off as the level-headed kid who is straight forward about what I want. When really, i'm the most insecure and scare person you'll ever meet. Oh wow how scared I really am. I wonder constantly if I'll ever one day finally get out of this depression that I'm constantly riding like a wave, with all the ups and downs. You think you've made it, but then you just come crashing down once more. There are days I think I'll never make through. I can't count how many times I've nearly driven myself off the road on purpose, or cut myself, or taken too many pills with hopes it would numb the pain. I long to understand my life. I'm always working to keep myself busy, to keep from thinking, but once the night is over I dread going home to an empty apartment. I sleep as long as possible to try an avoid the day. I am so used to being in darkness that I hate being outside. Can you please tell me how many times I've spoken of something similar to this, of course you can, numerous times.

Does it get old I wonder? The mood that I am in right now, is not a destructive one, but one that is blank. I feel myself drifting off into no where. I don't want to be here, not here in particular, but I don't want to be anywhere. I drive down the road, I don't feel it, I sit and watch tv, I don't feel it, I talk with people at work, I don't feel it. Things are happening with my life, but I don't feel it, I dont' feel apart of it, I'm merely just there. No emotion, just there. Sad thing is, no one is really around enough to notice how I am. But why would anyone want to dare and be apart of my life, when surely I've thrown them away before. Why dare and step on a landmine when its guaranteed to blow up. I am guaranteed to hurt you, why dare. Why stick around and see me fall to pieces, repeatedly. After awhile, people get tired of my bullshit, and stop coming around. Pushing people away is my defense mechanism, anyone that tries to get close, I get scared and won't let them in, I won't let go. So I push until eventually they disappear forever, but i never really wanted them to leave in the first place. I have secrets that only I know and I am terrified of anyone finding out.

If you've ever thought you knew me, you were never even close to the truth. I am a master manipulator and liar, I am a player in the sense that I know what people want to here, I am a broken-hearted fool who envies anyone that is happy. You see I am an amazing actress, I can make you believe anything and everything that comes from me. However, it all is based on truth, I just may twist it around to sound different or more intriguing to keep people from prying deeper into who I really am. And all of this comes from the simple fact that I am protecting myself, and putting on a facade to make sure you don't see the real me. The cold-hearted kid with a black soul, who drowns in her own misery.

I'm tired. Tired of living this life and tired of being me.