Heres to you, heres to me....... and what we never were
Current mood: uncomfortable


First off, this is towards one person and one person only.

Love is a finicky thing. I don't believe we choose who to fall in or out of love with. Love does that for us. The moments and choices we make and take are major factors of what makes our love grow or die. We all know how well we can pretend and hide the truth from the world. Its easy to pretend. What seems perfect on the outside can quite literally be hell on the inside. Things do change, people change, feelings change. One of the last things I stated to you is why put off the inevitable. Days later I realized how much it was true. Why does it seem to be human natrure that when things are bad we have to do something that makes it so much worse? God how I had so much respect for you and for her, that i'd never cross that line. I was proud of myself for keeping that promise.

As much as we communicated through songs, the lyrics are just hollow now, empty yet so damn tortourous.

I took the time to realize.

You weren't going to leave, you still aren't, not anytime soon. You're trapped as you said. You're not, you're just not strong enough yet, but the things you've done and probably are still doing are just making you weaker in one way or another. Every time we fought before you'd say that I hated you, I never did. I still don't hate you. I'm very spiteful towards you now, i've figured that out over the last week.

Highly disappointed in you. I lost all respect for you, something I didn't think was possible. You're playing the game and you don't realize how it affects other people. You don't understand why I feel the way I do, cause your actions caused flashbacks, tearing open wounds that were still freshly stiched, pressing that knife a little closer to the bone. Countless times have I watched it happen, to me. I've watched the same people play others and not give a shit, never have I watched it and known whose on the other side of it. You see I have my own secrets to bare, I don't need this one. Part of me thinks that shes already done the same thing you've just done, but the other part still knows full well that the truth will destroy her. When someone does the complete unexpected, someone who you always end up saying no, no way I never thought she'd do something like that, that type of feeling blows you out of the water.

I still hope you're so fucking numb, I'm sure you are. I've done some stupid shit before and I guess maybe i've learned from it, learned from other people. But seriously just cause your confused, what sense does it make to fuck things up even worse. Obviously if you're not happy and you cross certain lines then you shouldn't be with the person your with.

If you think you're numb now, keep playing the game your playing, it'll only get worse. I've seen it so many times, theres a reason I used to go out by myself, no one to need my attention, and I could just watch and observe people. They play, seem like they're hot shit, but watch them walk away and you can see the emptiness in their eyes. Just like i've seen the sadness in your eyes for so long.

You've said that after her, you won't be with anyone seriously for a long time. Heres my assumption of the day, its already looking that you're going to jump into a relationship as soon as you leave this one. Why is it is so hard to wait? Cause we are impatient people, misery loves company, lust is an illusion of love, rebounds are set up to fail.

You see there are things I want to tell, but i'm afraid to, cause I know the person I want to tell will in fact hate me forever, I betrayed her before, I followed my heart into a situation I shouldn't have. Had feelings I shouldn't have voiced, but atleast I know that I never helped you cheat. I am so fucking angry, so angry, cause I feel ashamed, cause it should have been me. But I had chosen awhile before to go in a different direction. Cause holding on was so destructive, especially when you had so much to figure out. I left you alone, the right thing to do. I'm even more angry, cause I trusted you, I've lost that trust now, and ironically all I can think is that you played me. All those pretty lines, funny thing is, you delete them from everything, I don't. Play the game, lets see how many times you reuse the same lines. you'd be surpised.

A real friend would have never put me in that situation, you really knew me you would have known why you shouldn't have put me in that position.

"I'm finding that holding on is harder than never leaving

You left a mark you left a mark
She left a mark he left
She left he left
And I don't I don't
Need it.

Feel till you're numb
Depth perception becoming
The new deaf & dumb

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces"


It always sucks losing a friend. Especially to situations like this, but i'm not ok with it, and I won't be a part of it. I'm never going to tell you that its ok or ever going to be ok. I can tell you things will get worse, things are going to blow up in your face. Which hurts worse falling out of love and pretending its still there or having to lie about the bad decisions you've made.

Alcoholics, drug-addicts, etc. etc. do what they do to escape their reality, reality is painful, but I'd rather go through the pain now than prolong it and have it intensify. As much as I'd love to talk to you, I can't get wrapped up in this stuff again. I don't think I could look at you the same again, actually I know I can't.

I have no regrets, I do forgive, but I remember.



Love Always,

----your Jacket



"I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I'm with you and everything's all right if only for tonight"


P.S. lol and no i'm not actually drinking right now, but you get the point.


COMMENTS:

CHRISTY: speakin of lyrics... here's some i like...

"i'm gonna smile, so you can find the courage.
laugh, so you wont see me hurtin.
i'm gonna let you go in style...
and even if it kills me, i'm gonna smile."
~lonestar - i'm gonna smile

sorry to hear that things have been hard, but you seem like you get it. there's a difference between loving someone and that same someone being good as a part of your life. you seem like a caring person... gotta care for yourself too! :)

hope things are going ok.

LACY: I could say so much here.
But...I wont.

Glad you are able to write all of this out.

Hang in there.
(I know this is an old blog...but still..)