MYSPACE:
Subject: knowledge is power
Posted Date: Wednesday, November 30, 2005 - 6:11 PM

Well I don't know about power, but its good to have.  So I'm not sure if all of ya'll know for sure.  But a couple of weeks ago, I withdrew from school for the rest of the year. Yay for me.  Well also I withdrew from the first trimester as well, cause I wasn't finishing any of my classes, so rather than getting several F's, the classes won't be on my record at all.  Good thing.  I keep getting lectures from people how generally when people stop they never go back.  My mom brought that up on the phone the other day, I snapped at her.  Told her thats not who I am to just quit, I didn't want to start in the first place this year, but I did, I tried and look where I am now.  Whenever people give me this speech, it pisses me off. Do you people have no faith in me whatsoever??????  I don't think anyone knows me and what I want out of life.  I told my mom that those people that don't go back, don't know what they want out of life, and I do. She was left speechless for several minutes seriously. I do know what I want out of life, and I can't just quit school and not go back.  I know how to get where I want to be and I have to finish school to do that. I don't plan on putting it off and screwing around for the rest of my life. Its not who I am. Have some faith in me, trust that I am an adult and know what I'm doing. Don't doubt me, don't doubt who I am.  I strictly wanted to take time off to get myself together, my life. I've said this to many people, most don't know what I mean.  I've been on the verge of breaking down completely, they don't know this.  I wish I could just say, look do you really want me to end up killing myself cause i'm so depressed or would you like me to take some time for myself and get better???  Thats what it comes down to.  BUT I can't say that to my mother or peers from school cause they don't know me, or that part of my life because i've kept it hidden for so long. 

Sure i'm doing ok now, I can say that. Erin is good.  But what about a few weeks from now, a few months, or years. Where will I be, how will I be. I hope mentally stable.  Thats my real goal you see, is to be happy and to really put my past behind me.  In this moment, these last few weeks, since i've withdrawn from school, i have been happy.  A burden was lifted off my shoulders, I could breathe.  Finally.  In that moment, it was solely my decision, no one elses.  No one could change my mind, its what I wanted and needed to happen.  It was the best thing for me to do.  It really was. 

So what am I to do now.  I mentioned it before, about moving away when my lease is up in March, and never tell anyone where I'm going.  Some people claimed that I better tell them where so they could visit, I wish that were true. Some said  I better take them with me, so we could run away together, I wish that were true too. Hell who knows maybe they do speak the truth.  Realisticly though, I could move away and not tell anyone where, they'd never know, when they call or write, just claim i'm working and can't do anything.  Wouldn't be a lie really, cause thats all i really do.  But seriously, orginally before i started college, I wanted to go to Northwood's campus in Midland, Michigan. I've been bouncing back and forth alot lately about transferring campuses when i start back in the fall.  But also I've been thinking alot about going to their campus in West Palm Beach, Florida as well.  Can't make up my mind, if i go to florida I might continue to play soccer, its NAIA there so i think I could get on their team, it'd be easier there, compared to a NCAA school.  But who knows, thats months from now. 

I've been wanting to go to Europe for months now, I've been thinking about trying to go soon, maybe something I could do after i move out of my apartment, I don't really feel like staying around here.  I need away, i'm already out of my hometown (did that my junior year of high school), but I need away from Dallas, this area, from Texas.  Afterall, there is nothing keeping me here.  And thats kind of a sad factor in everything.  I think alot about that. Makes me wish sometimes I had someone that made me want to stay around.  But then I remember its who I am though, all my life i've wanted to get away, to travel, its my passion my ultimate goal in life. I want to see the world, different cultures, different areas, different lands, things completely new to me.  Learn things i've never known.  I look out into the unknown and try to grasp it, but all I can do is chase after it and try to discover it.  Keep following the horizon that keeps getting farther and farther away the more you follow it.  Its a never-ending process you see, you can never stop learning, never stop living in the moment.  Thats life, or atleast my definition of it.  Ask me what I want to be when I grow up, and I'll tell you I don't care as long as I get to travel.

I know where I want to be, do you? 

When you look out into the distance, what do you see?

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reasons for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."--Edmund Burke

"I have learned by some experience, by many examples, and by the writings of countless others before me, also occupied in the search, that certain environments, certain modes of life, certain rules of conduct are more conducive to inner and outer harmony than others. There are, in fact, certain roads that one may follow. Simplification of life is one of them."--Ann Morrow Lindbergh

"For the truth is that I already know as much about my fate as I need to know. The day will come when I will die. So the only matter of consequence before me is what I will do with my allotted time. I can remain on shore, paralyzed with fear, or I can raise my sails and dip and soar in the breeze."--Richard Bode

"You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you've tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, and you don't branch out, you don't try--you don't take the risk."--Rosalynn Carter

And now, i'm off to go to watch Anton sing at the Hideaway. Have a goodnight ya'll, feel free to comment, they make my day when I get them, I look forward to them.  Adios.

Comments:

Lesie: It's good that you know what you want to do in life. I have a college degree and it's basically worthless because I have no idea what I want to do. I vote for West Palm Beach, Florida. It's by the beach who could ask for better!

Sara B: When you run away you have to take me with you. I thought we already went over this. I know what you mean when you say you want to get away and that you want to travel. I agree with both. But I am sticking with my roots and traveling. I donno..leaving for good is way to much for me to deal with right now. You seem like you are pulling away. I miss you and our adventures