MYSPACE:

Subject: running back to you
Posted Date: Wednesday, November 09, 2005 - 12:32 AM

My thoughts always keep running back to you.

So i've been sitting here thinking for quite awhile. Haven't been able to think of a decent post since my last.  I can't decide what I want to do with my life right now.  I mean, I know what I am doing, but what do i want.  I'm withdrawing from school for the rest of the year, i'm going to work and hopefully get myself together.  And if i'm really lucky find a great girl to be with or develope something with one whose already in my life.  I want to be happy I really do, but all the time and not just in a few moments here and there.  My lease on my apartment is up in march, i haven't decided if i'm going or staying. And if I go, where to?  If i go, i'm going in secret, I won't tell anyone where, not even my family.  I need to get away by myself. But who knows, only time can tell. We'll know when the moment comes around.

I know i'm not going to school the rest of the year, but i think i've just given up on all my current classes, well I only had one left that I could survive in. I have a persuasive speech do. BUT I have no outline to go by, no speech, no topic. I don't know what I'd do it over.  I was told I can make it up on thursday, but I have nothing, not even an idea. Anyone want to write me a speech???  But yeah I could pass the class with that, but i've given up on my classes, i no long have any sort of will or motivation to go.  The only thing that makes me mad, is that i've wasted my mother's money.  But my response to it all, I never wanted to start this year anyways, BUT I decided I would try, and look where I am now..... exactly where I predicted I would be in the first place.

So I met this girl at the block party, and we had a date last monday. It went well, but i'm not sure what to think of it, shes cool, not really the type i normally go for. But shes gotten really attached already, and i haven't even done anything, like I mean the night we met, we hung out for maybe 5 minutes, and supposedly she couldn't stop talking about me the rest of the night (she told me herself).  It kind of freaks me out. And we we're talking about how i've been hurt and such, and she told me shes in for the long hall.  That kind of bothered me too. I mean its just that i've been hurt by alot of people lately.  And I really just don't want to jump into anything like that (the typical me), I want to well I just want to hang out with good people.  I don't really even want to date right now, thats how weird i feel right now.   I wish I could say its a case of someone holds my heart and I'm just waiting. Which was the case, but now i'm just afraid of putting my heart out there and watching it get crushed.  There are 2 people out there that could have me back at the snap of their fingers, but i know one doesn't want me and the other i don't think wants to committ. And there is one person out there that probably could have me, but nothing has developed in that area yet, but one day I can see it happening, I really could.

But for now, I am me and I just got home from work maybe 30 minutes ago, and I'm drinking a beer (well alcholic energy drink, they're fucking awesome) while writing this.  Hmm... what do I know right now? I know I wish my mom would tell me she loves me and is proud of me, I don't think i've ever heard her say it.  I know I want to spend time with my brothers. I know my dad cares but can't do much to show it.  I know i'm lonely as fuck and I hate going to bed by myself.  I know i have a lot of built up anger and frustration with no place to vent it.  I know i'm scared of myself sometimes.  I know people care but they themselves are scared of me, or they aren't a good enough of a friend to come to me but have to call and talk to someone who is a good enough friend to me.  Oh, I have one I don't know, why is it that people pretend they care but want me to come to them to talk and they can never come to me. I mean really is it too much of an effort to come to my apartment for once.  I know that I love my animals but I fear I will hurt them one day from taking my anger out on them and I fear they hate me and want to run away at any given chance.  Wow a long post, well sort of.

I just thought of something, I remember a night where I woke up to my answer machine going off at 3:30 in the morning.  I check the message and about that time i here something outside and open my door and something amazing is standing there. I wish that could happen again. 

Damn I love this drink that I'm drinking. 

Wish I could find my burt's bees chapstick that i just bought the other day. :(

I think i'm going to get up early and go home to my mom's.  Can't decide exactly what I'm going to do there, I think i'll go early do somethings and go sit at the dock at my brothers house by the lake.  Should I take the dog like normal though? Nah.. I don't think I will, I don't feel like hassling with him. Even though I know he'd love to play with my dogs back home.   Plus I have Draco and Orion both baths today, and I don't feel like Draco getting all smelly again.

I think this is the most random post i've ever had.  Meh.. oh well I don't care.  Anyways..... i can't decide what I want to do with life right now.  But for now, I'm sure i've wasted enough of ya'lls time. So i'm going to go and drink some more and pass out, well not really cause i don't have enough alcohol.  But I shall go for now. Hope ya'll are having a great week, cause mine has been getting a little better everyday, yay.  Ok Ok ADIOS!!!!!

 

SWEET!!!!! I just found my chapstick, YAY!!!!! It was in my sweatshirt. I'm excited.

Comments:

Sara B: And on that note..I really love you. <3<3<3

Taylor Jade: Well, I'm only 16, but I do know what you are talking about. I've been having touble with life. I don't seem to understand why Im always the one getting hurt in the end. I don't think there is much for me to say to help you because, I am less-experienced to life. But all I do know is that, there is that one special person out there, and that life will fall back into place someday

Pinner: everything will fall into place. it's amazing when it happens!

Amber: Dude, I totally feel ur pain but promise it gets better and at least now you have time to think and find work and really u gotta love u before others can and im not there yet either but im workin on it. havent been able to chill w ya much bcuz of wk and school but i do like seeing updated photos and blogs, things can only go up from here!

Mayra: Hey Erin, I just want to say I totally empathize with you when it comes to classes and feeling like you are "wasting your mother's money". As I was reading I saw my own situation last year. I think it's a great idea that you are planning on take time off, sometimes that's what we need to come back stronger and better. *hugs*
That thing with the girl at the block party sounds a bit... odd heh. Too fast, yeah. How do you meet girls at those kinda events anyways haha, I think you might have to share some of your secrets with me. This post of yours reminded me why I was able to relate to yah way back when we met. I still remember what you did for me when I needed someone, I don't think I'll ever forget. I wish I saw or talked more to yah. If you do end up gonig away somewhere, try Massachusetts, high quality girls live there... if you find one there, maybe I could meet some of her friends.. haha
*sends you all her positive feelings*
~Mayra

Tori: wow that was the longest blog i have ever read. reading that kinda made me depressed.lol well im glad ur week is getting better, if u lived near hear i would make ur week ALOT better!! lol ttyl bye babe ~tori

Sara B: NOO!! im running away with her.

Leslie: Oh lord! Hee hee, you feeling lucky to develop something with a girl. A girl is the last thing you need right now! Haven't you learned by now that girls cause problems and unwanted stress! And they cost money. They take up time. They are moody. Yes, yes they are a problem. But.... we love them and we hate them, but we couldn't live without them. I've never had an alcoholic energy drink? Any good? I think that a lot of the thoughts you are having about not knowing what to do with your life or where it is going and what not happens to a lot of people our age. I know that has been crossing my mind a lot lately especially with the fact that I graduated and now I can't find a job. It's kinda weird. But I think we will figure it out soon enough. Don't stress out too much. Oh and if you run away somewhere cool please tell me so I can visit! Are we allowed to give suggestions? I suggest Hawaii please or some exotic beach place. That's where I want you to move to. And then me come visit. Ok me run away too.

Steph: Happy to hear that the week is slowly getting better for you! That was random but aren't most things at about 4am anyway? lol Draco is cute. Sweetie you are still very young, things will start to fall into place & you'll find more & more what you want as well as where you wanna be! Just try not to think so much and see what happens. Things can get really fucking frustrating but you gotta let it roll off yer back and go with it. I know it sucks but that's life. Life sucks but it always gets better somehow with a little time. :o) yer a kewl kat tiny!