~~As I sit here listening to Alanis Morissette, I think about life~~

As I look at my leg I see the scratch mark from my cat. I look at my room, and the disaster area that it is. I see the almost full packed bag of clothes that has been sitting there for more than a week. I sit here knowing that downstairs, my mom is lying in her bed all alone. I know there is now not a breakfast table, a dog, a toaster oven, the lawn mower, as well as several other random things. I sit here knowing the grass outside is growing taller everyday because its been left unattended the last week and a half. I sit here on my bed, using my laptop. I sit here, thinking about my life, I see the materialistic things, and I feel the emotions and I know the knowledge. But what does it all mean, what have we done in our lives that has brought us to this point. I sit here wearing my glasses, thinking of them being as if I am seeing things through a different altered perspective. Knowing full well that I am just writing that and also knowing that I only mean it theoretically, not completely literally. Are you understanding what I'm writing, are you following it. Or does it just seem like I'm rambling about complete nonsense. I don't think I'm rambling, I know I'm writing what I am thinking and what I'm thinking. I just am writing to figure it all out. I need to figure it all out... is it possible.

So lets catch up a bit, ok. First of all, I am in a weird mood, lol as if you haven't noticed already. And secondly, my life has seemed to be a little ironic lately, which I will explain later in this entry.

IRONY: incongruity between what might be expected to happen and what actually happens; the use of words to suggest the opposite of what they literally mean.
IRONIC: marked by or constituting irony

**Mom**

Ok so after the first week of 2-a-days I was able to come home after practice that Saturday (the 14th), and I had to come straight home because mom had to go in and do micro. Well I was only going to be able to be home that night, because I had to go back sunday because I had 2-a-days again on monday and I was staying in the dorms, so mom could have the car the rest of the week. Well as soon as I get home, mom had to leave as soon as I got there. But she informed me of something. She said "I asked Bee to leave, and his last load of laundry is in right now." And I was sitting there partly in shock and not knowing what to say. So basically I was just like ok, and what am I supposed to say to that. So she told me she just wanted me to know what was going on. So then she left to go to work, and I was left thinking what the fuck, that was weird. Well later on that night, I came out of my room, and she was on the phone, with one of my aunts. And I heard her saying that over the summer she asked Bee to stop drinking and dipping twice, and that he just stopped doing it at home. But she knew he was still doing it all behind her back. She said he was a bum who is in deep financial debt and that she doesn't want to be associated with that anymore, especially after John.

Ok so I came home from practice on Friday, and picked up mom from work, and we went and ate at Chachi's, now that in itself is not weird. Well what is weird is my mom actually talking to me about personal stuff for like the first time ever. The ironic thing was me being the one giving advice. But what was really weird and kind of freaky, was we we're sitting there talking and all the sudden Bee is walking past the window looking in. And he came in and asked if he could sit down, and mom was kind of freaking out. And he sat down, and asked if we would mind if he ate with us, then he realized that it was really awkward having him there, and he said that if we wanted him to leave that he would. And my mom was like yeah, it would be a whole lot less awkward. So he left. During all that my mom looked at me funny, and I was just like don't look at me theres nothing I can do. But then mom continued to actually talk to me after he left. She basically told me what I already knew or had found out. But she felt guilty in a way, and I was just like you can help how you feel, and you did what you thought was best. And she also said it was she guessed that she had changed, and I was like you always change. Now that got me a questionable look, I repeated myself, and then found myself giving a speech I've given a few times, but I hadn't actually planned to give it lol. I just told her that everyone changes and that theres nothing wrong with that, and thats the simplest way to say it. The next day I came downstairs to find my mom and Bee talking in the kitchen, I just kind of kept walking and ignored him as much as I could. It was weird.

Well I personally, I really don't care that my mom broke it off with him, I'm actually pretty happy about it. I never wanted him around, he replaced me. Before they got together, I was the one who helped mom out, I was the one who mowed the yard and who did all that other stuff. And mom and I were starting to get close, but when he came along, it all disappeared. My life disintegrated into nothingness, I became the lonely child once again. My mom and I never really spent time together after that, mainly because he was always around. I was disgusted by him, he was always drinking, dipping, or in his underwear (and without a shirt on). He's 10 years younger than my mom. He's a hick like no other. He has two daughters who are younger than me, and I could never seem to spend time around them, it was always weird. Now you may just say its like that at first, well it never changed. With Jon-Paul and Janelle, it was easy to be around them. And they never came over to our house, so it was weird too. But mostly I love John, he was more of a father to me than my own biological one, he was always there for me. And when Bee came along, well I really did not want another man attempt and be my new father figure. And also its the fact that he was so much younger than my mom. I suppose over the years I grew a tolerance to Bee, but he always drove me crazy, I just tried to ignore him, and put up with him for my mothers sake. I mean I know I've written about Bee before on here, he is a nice, sweet guy, but hes just a bum. I am glad my mom broke it off with him. His doctor is supposedly making him go to AA and all that. So I suppose its kind of a good thing for him.

Ok and another view of all of this, my mom has been married twice, each for a very extended amount of time. And the one other guy she dated, she dated for a long period of time as well. However, it never worked out with any of them. And how I perceive this, is that it kind of influences my theory. And that theory is that I will end up alone. And I say that in a content way. Seriously I think it will run in the family. If my mom can't seem to find one person to spend the rest of her life, and shes straight, then how do you think I'm going to manage staying with someone the rest of my life (and I'm gay). Lol and I use the homosexual reference in meaning that, I think relationships are easier to find and easier to live for straight people. Homosexual relationships are harder to find, and often criticized and all that. But yeah my point being, that I think my theory is correct. And I'm content with that. Ok so this is all for now, laters.