Reflections of a incongruous turn signal.
Current mood: pensive


Incongruous- 1. unsuitable or odd: unsuitable, strange, or out of place in a particular setting or context. 2. inconsistent: not in accord or consistent with something.

My trip back to Dallas this weekend I realized quite a bit. On my own and from different conversations with people. I am not the same person that I used to be, and I state that despite how generalized it sounds. After hours spent arguing with my parents over something I feel I've been over a million times, but it was the first that they seemed to genuinely listen to what was said. I am not the same distant depressed kid who thought I had nothing in common with the rest of the family. I'm not still in my coming out stages, I know who I am, and I accept that. I've accepted alot about myself in reference to my depression and I've learned alot and dealt with alot. And I can happily express that its something that doesn't get to me anymore. I've done alot of things in the past I'm not necessarily proud of, but I don't regret them by any means. I am not the same kid who will let you try and beat me down over things like that, I will stand up to you and simply say fuck you and tell you its time you get over it. I've got better things that I can spend my time doing and so can you.

I've been trying to do whats best for me and my life, luckily I had the chance of a lifetime and I took it, and I feel more of a part of a family now than I ever have in my life. Stability in the home life, a very key thing I needed in my life. Judge me all you'd like, thats fine with me. But I'm not going to change. This is me, this is who I am. I'm not the same person I used to be, that exterior armor is gone. I finally put two and two together, my heart and soul, and made one. To be bluntly honest, I'm not going anywhere, if you don't like it, please by all means, fuck off.

You can say I'm crazy for moving, you can say my head is in the clouds, you can say I'm just fucking up my life more. But you're opinion doesn't mean a damn thing to me and its time you realized it.

My life may have came crashing down, and seemed like once I started to get back up, I got knocked right back down. I was so overwhelmed I didn't know what the hell to do. I've accepted theres not alot I can do right now at all. All I can do is work on bettering my life so that I can fix some of the things that have added up (like all my bills). I can't pay them right now but will. There are always so many different variables to things that people fail to see. I'm not the only one in this little picture show, I'm not the only one that can make a difference. I have no expectations of anyone else making that choice, so I am not let down. Sure I've let people down in the past, but come on if you really knew me what did you expect. I know you know what it feels like to have your world crashing down so why does it seem to ridiculous to you that I wasn't dependable cause I had nothing left to give.

Point being, I'm not the same as I was, I didn't go about alot of my choices the right way. I can't change it and wouldn't change it if I could. Now with somethings it easy to say fuck it and move on. I'm in a position now to accomplish alot of things that I never fully imagined several months ago. I can do it now and continue to do so. But you know when someone won't return your calls and emails its a little hard to do your job. One that everyone loves to dismiss me about, no regard to me, as if I don't exist and never did. And if this person reads this, shit happened, move on. If you're not passionate about it anymore and you still want to give up on it, then just let me take it over for awhile and give you a break till you're ready again.

You are not blood, but you're in the same boat as the rest of my family. Sharing that fact that no one has faith in me and never did to begin with. And thats definitely something I've become more aware of. Sounds melodramatic to an extent, but I state it with all seriousness.

Whats most important now is that I have faith in myself despite what everyone else says or thinks.

Life has taken me down many, many different paths and plenty more to come. Its ironic how things can end up. So many new people have came into my lives, and no many new places and events, that I can't even explain how thankful I am of all of it. I'm so glad to have certain people in my life.

One other key thing I realized this weekend was that sometimes you have to go away for awhile to actually miss something. Having the conscious realization of what means the most to you in life, is such a refreshing feeling. Remembering them and being around them, made my heart race with excitement and happiness. Otherwise noticed as being hyper (or misconstrued as being drunk). Needless to say I had a good weekend back home. No matter which turn I take in life, I always remember where I came from and where I've been. So I know how to get back and visit every once in awhile, lol.



COMMENTS:

AMBO: well idk if it means anything but id like you to know that the short time we did hang out you gave me a completely different impression than that of which you spoke of in your blog, you seem to have your goals in mind and the will power to accomplish them...sometimes all you need is a fresh start with people who aren't quick to judge and dont necessarily know your past, ive moved a lot and each time i bettered myself by starting with a clean slate...i hope you're meeting people down here who are giving you the same opportunity i would get each time i moved


MATHIEU: i love your jazzy talk erin.

fuck em if they don't agree, damn straight. thats the fucking truth

but seriously, its fucking crazy how our culture is just now starting to "tolerate" differnt people. i don't get it. we all bleed, we all hurt, we all love. why should people be singled out, why should you be made to fear your true self.

america is screwed in so many directions. all i can say is be cool, and watch out for the people who are, in americas "eyes", different. fuck, id rather hang with the others than hang with the normal people. normal people, how boring.

but yeah, fuck it. you can do whatever comes to your mind, and thats righteouss. keep livin, keep flowing.

ps. im drunk messaging. sorry your just another victim. lol.