~~Damn Temptation~~

No i'm not saying i've given into it. But temptation is everywhere. I hate it so much. I love Sara with all of my heart, but shes half the country away. I want to stay true to her, i truly believe i could spend the rest of my life with her. But all i can do right now is talk to her on the phone, i can't hold her or kiss her or any of that. And just to be honest i'm a very intimate person. I like to hold hands, kiss, hold the person, and all that stuff. And to have it once and not have it again, well it drives me crazy. I told her i didn't want to date anyone else but her, which is true, but dammit i'm so lonely down here in Texas. I need someone to keep me company. But see i have a self-resistance from giving into these temptations. Plus well you can't give into tempation when you don't even have the opportunity to. What is it that people say, you can look but you can't touch. The people I would like to atleast go on date with, most likely wouldn't even give me the light of day, nothing more than friends.

I feel like i'm stuck in the middle. Its so frustrating. I do i feel like i'm betraying Sara by thinking all of this or feeling it. Cause i know its going to hurt her, even though its not intentional, thats just how she is. And it sucks, cause even when she blows it off, or says she doesn't care, i really know that she does, and that it breaks her heart, and that she crys about stuff that i somehow caused. I hate being in that position. If i could be with her dammit, i would be. But i can't, i'm half the country away, and i can't do anything about it at the moment. Its so frustrating. I hate being alone, i hate not being able to see her, but i can't help that. People are really temptations i guess, there are crushes, people you like, crushes happen all the time, but you can't really give into a crush, cause generally nothing ever comes of a crush, it simply comes and goes, right? I feel like i'm rambling, actually i know i am. I just want people to understand. Ok i'll try it this way: say I have a crush on someone, and i think something could possibly work out with that person. But i'm too scared to say something to them, one-because they might not like me, two-i might hurt someone else that i really care about. But i don't want to miss out on an opportunity. So then i'm stuck in the middle, to where i can't decide what to do. I hope that made sense.

Ughh... i hate this, cause i want to post this, but i'm afraid its going to upset Sara. Dammit. I'm so frustrated with this. I want her to understand, that i'm not trying to hurt her, that i love her, and that i could spend the rest of my life with her. But I still have the rest of my life to come. But what about today, and this moment and the next moment. Am I just supposed to sit on the bench and watch the rest of the players play. I don't want to miss out on any opportunities at this point in my life. Maybe at a later moment in my life, I can put all of myself into being with her, but of course she'd have to be physically present to do that. I mean the next moment could be this summer and then i'd be without her at college, then maybe the next moment in the summer or holidays. I mean, there will be moments with and without her until she and I get done with college, unless she moves down here or something, so when shes not with me am i just expected to stop living until the next time i see her? I mean I don't want her to be miserable and all that while shes up in Washington, and it would bother me at all if she dated someone else, or whatever. But when i tell her that, she seems to resist it, and refuse it. But at the same time shes torturing herself. I hate it so much. And alot of the time she acts as if i hate her, which i don't, i'm just caught up in my world down here, and i try to make time for her i really do, but its hard. I mean it would be a million times more easier if she was here. But the fact is, that shes not here, and i'm not there. And theres nothing we can do about that.

But ok back to my point. While i'm not with her, I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to date someone or whatever, cause i don't want to be left wondering what could have happened. I've told Sara that my heart belongs to her, no one can take her place. Another person could only temporarily fill the void that is missing when shes not around. I want to be open with her about all of this, but I don't want her to be upset. But I can't hold it from her, its how i feel, and she deserves to know. So i guess i will actually publish this post now. Hope some of this actually made some sense. Laters.





**An email I was trying to send to Rebecca, but can't cause her email account is full, so i'm putting it on here so maybe she'll see it**

So next weekend right? We're going to hang out? Where do you play friday? I play at home at 7:00. But i'm sure you have an out of town game, but either way, we wouldn't have much time to hang out then. I was thinking about getting alot of the JV girls and getting them to go bowling after my game. I like the JV kids. But as for the rest of the weekend i'm completely free. So i guess just let me know, ok? Ok and now for other stuff....

Ok you'll probably find this funny, cause i do. In your last blogger entry, you talked about too many ex-girlfriends. Well i have to identify with that now, but it has to do with your ex-gfs. Guess who i saw yesterday at the JV tournament. Becky, sophomore i think. She transferred to Midway. She apparently played club with some of the granbury girls, so she was hanging out with them. And i was like man she looks familiar, and then one of the parents that she was talking to her said her name, and then she went somewhere, and i was like did she transfer from Joshua, and they said yeah. And then later on, we got to talking, she asked who i was, and i told her i knew who she was, and she gave me the greatest facial expression ever, it was hilarious. But i told her that I knew you. And then we just talked about some other stuff. She was pretty cool. And then well earlier today, i was bored so i got on planetout, and noticed you'd updated your profile. And on one of the searches i'd had, i saw someone new, so i clicked on them. Then i saw a AIM name that i recoginized, then remembered who it was. I sent her an email, just to say hi, and that i was glad to finally know a little more about her. Well, i guess the looked at my profile and got my AIM name, cause a little while ago she IMed me. And we talked for a bit, Mayra is pretty cool too. Hope you don't think i was butting into anything. You meet alot of cool people. Anyways... i just thought i'd share my interesting meetings. But its funny, but also i find it really cool, cause if i was the way i was back in GR, i never would have said anything to either of them. I'm so much more social these days. New people are cool.

Ok anyways, so i'm going to stop wasting your time. But let me know if you still want to hang out this weekend. Have a good week. Laters. ----------Erin