Leave me to love.
Current mood: confused
Category: Life


Things are adding up again in places, then in turn subtracting from others. I'm kind of at a loss for words and emotions. I'm at a standstill once more. Wondering what the fuck am I going to do now. I know what i'm facing. But I either have to slowly chisle away at it, or somehow climb over it. There is so simple way around it, no easy solution. There never is an easy way. I can't keep running at things head on or trying to scramble up this wall. I'm only left with scrapes and bruises.

I'm so sick of falling back into the way I was and the way I used to feel. No matter how much i've been fighting it, fighting this inevitable battle. I seem to be losing. I know what I want and I know where I want to be. I just can't seem to figure out how the hell to do it. I contradict myself in alot of ways, which actually is normal. For instance, I don't want to go home alone to an empty bed. But I really would rather be alone. I don't want to start something that I can't finish, I don't want to get into something that I know I won't stick with in the end. I refuse to jump into things with someone like i've always done. I'm tired of being the one hurt or being the one leaving someone hurt. I want to love and be equally loved in return. I've met several people lately who have chosen to be celibate (sp?), so I've been trying to have a concept like that. Or simply actually to do so. It is irrelant if I may or may not want to be with someone right now. The best thing for me right now is to do things for myself. Yeah being lonely is not an unfamiliar thing to me. I think its the best thing for me. Its all one big learning experience. And let me tell you its been kicking my ass, my depression has been getting the best of me.

All that I do in life, is correlated. My decisions, my goals, my struggles. Anyone who knows my story, knows that I've been fighting a different battle since December. I learned alot about myself, and have alot to face and change. And thats what all of this is about. I want to better myself and excel in life. In the long run I also see it as bettering myself for that perfect person for me.

I've been consistently nervous lately, as if i'm tip-toeing around in my own life. Sounds silly but its true. Step-lightly cause you might step too far, don't step too hard the floor might break through. Make sure your feet are clean you don't want to ruin a beautiful thing. I miss the feeling of running barefoot on the crisp green grass on the soccer field.

Hmm... so many thoughts, my mind has been running rampant. And its quite literally been driving me crazy.

COMMENTS:

COURTNEY:
wow, i know exactly how u feel. i love the way u are able to put it into words. its so much easier for me to bury it in the back of my mind and then dwell on it right before i sleep. finding yourself is so much harder than it seems, because one day you feel one way and the next its something else. i believe that life is one big learning experience, unfortunately some of us have to repeat the same thing a couple times to learn the lesson (that would be me). and i also believe that the right person exists only when we are ready to welcome that person into our life, the vibes we send will draw that person. i just wanted to comment on ur blog because i can relate with u on it. good luck with all that you are going through =)

MATHIEU:
there in the distance, a figure blurs and reappears.
a hand is held out, to grab, to feel, to be secure,
yet it only grabs on to sand

(it is the wanderer)

where are we, when we drown to breathe?
turning back time in our heads,
trying to find meaning in life.

(it is our misconceptions)

why does this fog drift ever so lightly?
going unnoticed and unaware by those inside it
slowly taking our dreams and mangling our hopes.

(it is confusion)

life shys away from the seer.
and drops hard on the one who never knew.
a bitch black merry go round that no one cares to ride
yet everyone you know, is spinning round and round forever...

(it is the fate of the hopeless)

a wind blows on your face, asking if you'd like your innocence back.
take it. use it. be free from your contemplations, your mind.
free from everything, you are bound by nothing,
to live the life that has been given to you.

[i read your blog, and i don't know if i have advice for you(or advice that could help you that is lol), but i did have a feeling from readiing your blog, so i wanted to write my feelinig down for you.]