the Infinite Abyss
Current mood: chipper
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes


I think I've always contemplated life and its infinite mysteries. A lot of the time I've been completely dumbfounded and lost in the world. Not understanding my existence, wondering what the hell was the point of it all. I've been down to the darkest depths of my soul, where I almost couldn't escape from that living nightmare. I'd lost control of everything and like many times before I almost gave in to my temptation, the gnawing urge to end it all. No longer was I getting any sort of release from dragging that smooth cold blade across my flesh. But that was something I longed to do at almost every second of the day, somehow I withheld, mostly cause I knew if the marks were seen I had have to many more repercussions to come. My emotions built, the hurt and the anguish, the sheer hunger of wanting to fall, just fall and not get back up again. Its such an intense feeling, the pure aching all over your body, feeling like any moment you're about to explode. Just waiting for everything that's been eating at you, to finally look down and there just be a gaping whole in your chest.

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For the first time in my life, for the entire time I've been trying to understand my depression and that constant battle. I realized how much I wanted to fight, fight to the bloody end of it all. I finally said fuck this, no more. I finally took the steps that I needed in order to beat my depression or at least to cope with it and with life in the proper accordance. I busted my ass in intensive therapy. And I'm not ashamed to admit it, but yes I checked myself into a mental hospital. That was the help I needed, that push, that extra motivation. From endless group discussion, learning so much new information, to still continuing my therapy. I knew if I didn't ask for help then I wouldn't be here on this beautiful earth for very much longer. I can ultimately say, it was the best decision I ever made, and it was my own.



I've come to terms with a lot of aspects in my life, granted I still get thrown curve balls every once in a while. I can truly say for the first time, I am happy. So much shit has gone wrong and is still occurring everyday for me, but I see it all in a new light. A lot in part due to my therapy, but mostly from learning from an extraordinary woman. Her name was Kelli Nix. I was never really friends with Kelli growing up, she was older than me. But despite that she's always had a major influence on me. I've never admitted this before. I had wanted to donate my hair for about a year 1/2, and I was growing it out. The day Kelli went down in the computer lab, I was in the classroom just across the hall. The response to the discovery of her cancer from her friends, family and teachers was overwhelming, you could feel it and you could see it. Some of the boys shaved their heads, showing support. You could see how proud everyone was of Kelli, you could see their love. I felt a little out of place, I didn't know her really and never talked to her. And I'm just now saying it, and I told her the day I stayed at the hospital to make sure she knew, that when I shaved my head and donated it, was for her. I silent tribute I guess you could say. I got to know Kelli after I transferred schools, during the summers mostly. She was always such a great friend to my brother Kyle, and just like she did with him and countless others, she took me in, made me feel welcome and a part of the very diverse family she had made (or brought together). She accepted everyone no matter what. I remember the day she showed up at the bar I worked at, I was working the spotlight and I look down and there was that infamous smile shining through everything else.



As many of said before, Kelli's smile was infectious. I could list so many other things that were too. Countless people's lives have been changed by Kelli, they may never have even known her, but just reading her story or hearing about her has made such a difference. We all miss her dearly, take her with us wherever we go. I think many of us do it, but I think we all try to be more like her everyday. So strong and so brave, just thoroughly enjoying life and not holding back. Love Life!! Inspiration comes from a lot of places but my newest and strongest is Kelli and her life. Always love life and live to love.



I have grown a lot the last several months. I do love life and everything in it and I refuse to let something or someone else get me down. I'm not sure of my purpose in life, but I know I hope to inspire other people, help them, love them, learn from them and most of all grow with them. Yeah my depression is still there, but I'm not letting it beat me anymore, I have so much more to accomplish so there is no way in hell I'm letting it get in my way. This is my life and I'm living it for the first time ever.



It feels good to write again.


COMMENTS:

LESLIE:

There is nothing wrong with feeling the need to go to therapy and getting help. I think that everyone should go through it whether they feel like they need to or not. It really helps one to figured themselves out. So thumbs up to that!

I am also happy to hear that you are happy! Happiness is so hard to find. But you found it! And it may sound sappy, but I am really glad to hear you did. If only we could all be so lucky!

Also this is a really nice post about your friend. I hope everything goes well for her and I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

JENI:
that's awesome...ur so right! also, i have that butterfly "love life" necklace. find me one of these day's i'll give it to ya