All of my hopes and dreams, all that I strive for are quickly going down the drain. I don't know what to do. What I need to make things happen, are money and time. But neither of which can I pull out of my ass.

I am miles from ordinary, yet I feel like a simple white shirt.

I long for experience, and for truth. What can you do when all that you've ever wanted is slipping away. You know how to make it happen, yet theres nothing you can do. Its all about circumstances, opportunities. I've yet to discover my solution.

I've been doing great. Satisfied with what is begginning to feel a dead end job (yet I know it isn't one). I'm barely getting by financially. I'm not in school. All I do is work. Numbingly all I do is work. I have a life yes, somewhat of one. Numbingly a life. I long to feel something worth feeling. Something other than lust, boredom, or simplicity.

I'm tired of depending on others, yet to most it seems i'm very independent. And that is true, but the last few months I've depended on my mother. Paying my rent. I FUCKING hate it!!!!! Yet I get paid $7.25 an hour. A million times different than over the summer, when I could spend lavishly and carelessly. Now I count every penny, yet I use my moms credit care as if i were a millionare without boundaries. I've always been so careful, but since she got married, I've stopped giving a shit. She didn't include us in any sort of decision with it, we weren't there for the wedding. He has money, I know he does. So why should I care. All of there new expenses he pays 2/3rds and her a 1/3rd. Why should she have to worry about putting me through school, about my care payments, about my fucking rent, doctor bills, etc. etc. But most of all, why do I have to WORRY!! I know in my heart that what I want I have to talk to her about. I know my dad can't help me, he couldn't even help me get a job. He has never been in the position where he could help. I've often wondered if it was because of circumstances or if because he chose for it to be that way. My mom is the only one who can help me now. They tried talking me into switching schools, maybe even majors, and apartments. What normal kid would turn down living in Austin and going to school at UT. I must be crazy not to accept that. But I am saddened more so of the fact that lately, I've considered it.

But what I want they do not know. But I wonder if they would actually help me get where I want to go, if I asked it of them. I fear being told no to this. It'd crush me.

I wish I were in the position, where I could do it all on my own.

Its not going to happen.

Simply my dreams are disappearing rapidly.